34 - Sorry, Not Sorry
When I first married, I worked as a preschool teacher. There were two things we had to do that I didn’t agree with:
Children did not have to clean up after themselves if they didn’t want to.
We were never to force a child to say they were sorry.
The reasoning behind the second one was that a child should not have to say something that they did not feel. Maybe they weren’t sorry. So saying the words would be empty.
I didn’t think it seemed right, but when I stopped working and had my own children, I wanted to explore the concept a little more.
When my kids were very young, if they poked or hurt each other, I would show them how to give a ‘soft touch.’ As they grew and understood words, I would talk to them about how they would feel if someone hurt them.
Besides physical pain, we would also talk about our emotions. If someone took away your toy, how would you feel? Sometimes they wouldn’t mind. So I would explain that even though it wouldn’t bother you, it does bother your sibling (or friend).
It was important to me that my children understood that everyone is different. Everyone feels different. Everyone reacts different. We are all different people and that is ok. Be considerate.
In our house, I taught my kids to be kind and respectful to each other. To me. To their dad. To the world. And I was respectful to them.
One of my favorite books from their childhood is titled, “I’m Sorry.” It’s a Little Critters book and I love it. In the story, the child is careless and causes a lot of issues. He keeps saying, “I’m sorry,” and then moving on. He continues to be careless. Until finally, the mom says, “Sometimes, ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t good enough.”
I love that because it’s true.
I can say I’m sorry, but if I don’t stop and think about how the other person feels, it’s just a phrase. Nothing changes.
Why do I say I’m sorry? Am I just sorry that I got caught? Is it because I truly am sorry and sad at how I made the other person feel? At the very least, maybe I am sorry for the mess I made. Do I say I’m sorry just so I can get a free pass to go and do it again?
Lastly, just because I say I’m sorry, do they have to forgive me?
Short answer: no. If I hurt you, and I say I am sorry, you do not have to forgive me.
As an empath, I say I’m sorry a lot. For things that aren’t even my fault.
Oh no! You had a bad day at work? I’m sorry!
The store was out of your favorite pizza? I’m sorry!
Someone was mean to you? I’m sorry!
I know it isn’t my fault. I just feel bad that things are not going your way. I am expressing sympathy. I am acknowledging that you are hurt or sad.
Other times, I really did do something wrong. And I feel bad. But personally, I don’t think that’s enough. I mean, unless you’re a psychopath, everyone does feel bad when they mess up.
But the ultimate way to show that I am sorry is by changed behavior.
If I leave my clothes all over the floor and my husband has to pick them up, I can say I’m sorry. But what if I leave them on the floor all of the time, and every time he picks them up, I say I’m sorry. Am I really sorry? Maybe. Maybe I am sorry that he picks them up. But if I continue to leave them on the floor, and he continues to have to pick them up, am I really sorry?
But maybe I am sorry. I have executive dysfunction and know I need to pick them up. I need to do it before he sees it. But I have a hard time.
I could say, “I am sorry you have to pick up after me, but I have executive dysfunction and it is very hard for me to pick up after myself.” That isn’t really a true apology, is it? I’m giving an excuse about why my behavior should be ok.
But to my husband, it isn’t ok.
I have met a lot of people who give those types of apologies. “I’m sorry, but…” So what they are really saying is they aren’t sorry.
Because a true apology is changed behavior.
If a child is told only to eat a little bit of candy, but they eat a whole bag, they can say they are sorry. But the consequences matter. If they get a stomach ache, they may make the connection that eating too much candy causes them pain. Mom’s rules for only eating a little bit might make sense. But if they don’t get a stomach ache, or don’t make the connection, even though they say they are sorry, they might do it again. And again. At what point do I stop making the candy accessible? Or when do I stop buying it all together? If a child is not able to make the right choices, maybe I stop giving that option. Until they are older. And living in their own house. And I don’t have to deal with the vomit.
I guess it all comes down to what we are willing to put up with.
Our own tolerance. And what everyone is willing to tolerate is different. Hell, my tolerance changes depending on my mood. But overall, I have a hard time tolerating certain behavior.
Trying to behave “correctly” while around others is very difficult, period. But trying to keep myself in line, when others aren’t using the same play book and are behaving badly .. that is virtually impossible.
I have had to work very very hard to understand and follow the rules of society.
*A-ha moment*
So when others don’t follow those rules, my brain has a moment of static. Wait! We don’t have to do certain things? Does that mean we don’t have to follow all of them or just some of them? Who decides which rules to follow? Where is the manual explaining all of this??
Trying to figure all of this out is very hard. And confusing.
So a few years ago I came up with directives for my own house. My home and property became my Fortress of Solitude. It needs to be clear of negative energy and harassment. It was a lot of work and time to get to where it is now: calm, relaxing, safe.
To me, it’s perfect. I love my home and don’t get sick of it. I love the quiet. I love that I feel safe here. I love that I know what to expect.
Others don’t get it. There are just too many unwritten rules. Rules my family know, but other people don’t know. And it’s so hard to explain.
Rules like:
*Be kind. This seems like a “duh” rule, but you’d be surprised by how many people can’t follow this.
*Pitch in and be helpful. I’m not your maid. Again, this seems like a “duh” rule, but .. here we are.
*No fighting. We disagree and get irritated with each other. That’s normal. But I can’t handle the bickering. Or the under-the-breath jabs. Walk away or talk it out calmly.
*Because of food allergies, absolutely no nuts in the house. We’ve had ER visits over this.
*No smoking. We’ve had ER visits because of asthma.
*Absolutely no drug use. We live in Colorado, but this is not a drug-friendly property.
I think these rules are ok. I mean, I do have a few more. Like, for example, don’t use my flour sifting colander to drain pasta. And then leave it in the sink to get crusty and gross. Hell hath no fury like a woman whose sifting colander is ruined!!
Anyway, we’ve had people break these rules. Some have apologized. Some have not.
Do I forgive them?
I think, for my sake, I have to. Otherwise it eats at me and makes me feel horrible.
Did you know that? Forgiveness is for ourselves, not necessarily for the other person. When I don’t forgive someone, I relive the episode over and over in my mind. Each time reliving the feelings. Each time reliving the adrenaline. Personally, I don’t enjoy that.
But if I do forgive someone, does that mean that what they did is now ok? It certainly feels that way. But it wasn’t ok. And it isn’t ok now.
Again, it goes back to the forgiveness being for me. I forgive them for my health. For my wellbeing. Whether or not they are actually sorry.
I truly believe at the end of the day, all that matters is what God thinks of me. Did I do my best? Did I do what was right? If not, how can I change? It may take a while to figure this all out, but I want to live a healthy, fulfilling life. Being angry and resentful can’t be a part of that. So I have to let it go in forgiveness of others and/or of myself. And if they aren’t sorry, that is between them and God. Not me.
I also believe that forgiveness does not mean relationship. Just because I forgive someone does not mean I have to do things with them or continue to host them in my home. The chaos and anxiety that rein when others enter is no longer tolerable.
It is ok that I protect myself by no longer allowing certain people to stay in my home. It is my safe place.
So if they want to stay here, the answer has to be no. For my own sanity.
Sorry, but I’m not sorry.