33 - Stone Soup and Mindfulness

Hello! How are you?

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Me? I’m good.

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Why do you ask?

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Well, yes, I suppose I haven’t been around much.

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No, I didn’t go on a trip. I’m just trying to get some things finished. And to be totally honest, I am hurting.

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Well, I haven’t been able to sleep for the last two weeks. Consistently. I mean, my sleep isn’t stellar anyway, but the last two weeks have been horrible. I’ve been in pain and every movement makes it worse. 

I’ve tried ice, heat, massage and pain medicine. Nothing works. My mind’s voice is getting louder: you are going to have to have surgery again! My mind is such a jerk sometimes. 

Obviously, I don’t want to go through surgery again. I mean, who does? So I started thinking about other options… 

Think… think… think…

I got on Pinterest to look up fall decoration ideas. When all else fails, distract yourself! But something cool happened. Even though I haven’t looked at Pinterest in months, it knows things that I have been interested in. And you know what one of those things was? Stretches for back pain, hip pain and sciatica. 

Oh, yeah… I used to stretch every day. 

So instead of actually stretching, I saved MORE stretches to a folder labeled, “Morning Workout.” I think I didn’t do anything at that moment because it was for ‘morning’ and it wasn’t actually morning. Yes, I know! That’s stupid. And yet… here we are. 

I also spent the rest of the evening trying to remember when/why I stopped stretching. I’m not 1000% positive, but I’m pretty sure I stopped when construction began on our house. In February. It may not be true, but that is what I am going with.

I wear yoga pants all the time, usually, but not when someone is going to be stopping by. Especially if the “someones” are construction people that I don’t know. So instead of waking up and working out, I started waking up and getting dressed for the day. In regular clothes and makeup. 

So, you see, it really is THEIR fault I haven’t been doing what I am supposed to be doing. At least, that is what I am telling myself.

I think one of the hardest parts of the last six months is not having any “off” days. No matter what was going on or how I felt, I had to get up and get dressed and be ready for people. Sometimes they came. Sometimes they didn’t. I never knew. Even though I kept explaining that I needed to know.

I have to have things a certain way. I have to do things a certain way. I used to think that was a bad thing and tried to hide it. But it ate at me on the inside. 

The problem is that I am constantly trying to tweak and improve and make my life better. But no one else got the memo. They’re just trying to make their lives better. Or, they are just trying to get through the day.

I have mentioned at least once that I wish I could arrive at some special destination of enlightenment and then share how I got here. And I know that isn’t possible. But, dang it! I really wish it was. 

This summer I learned something new about myself. Again. It has been enlightening, helpful, and frustrating. All wrapped up in one big present with a gigantic sparkly bow. 

I have always been this way, I just didn’t realize it. 

I liken it to a person who has always looked a certain way, but had never seen themselves in a mirror. They may have seen other people who looked like them, but they didn’t know it. They noticed these people, wondered how they managed their lives, wondered if they knew they were different. And then one day, a mirror is held up and they see themselves. There is a sense of confusion, but also one of relief. Well, that explains a lot!

I overanalyze the words that people say and the actions they take. I am baffled when they are not in alignment. I am fascinated by the choices people make. I am interested in understanding why people behave the way they behave. Yes, someone may have been a jerk. But why? Is there a trauma from childhood? Were they not taught by an authority figure the proper way to interact with others? Are they in physical pain? Emotional pain from an argument earlier in the day? Are they afraid of something? Do they have low blood sugar?

I apply that scrutiny to myself as well. Why do certain things bother me? Why do I have trouble doing a lot of things? Why am I annoyed? Why did I say that weird thing? Why did I overshare? Why did I say nothing? Why am I nervous? 

Sometimes I feel like I have something to say that everyone in the world needs to hear. Other times, I feel as insignificant as a speck of dust. 

Sometimes I think my best days are ahead of me. Other days I fear they are all behind me. 

I know that immense wisdom comes from surviving each passing day. But no one told me how tired I would be. 

I am not defined by any diagnosis that is assigned to my name. No one thing dictates who I get to be. I still have choices. I am a Stone Soup, of sorts. I am made up of a stone and water. That is where I began. But experiences, people and time have all worked together to make me into the soup I am today. And people are still pouring into me. Experiences are still shaping me. I still have a choice about whether the ingredients play a big role in my life, or if they are just blips. And time? That may be one of the most important factors. Just like a broth simmers on the stove to develop a depth of flavor, I am getting better as well. 

So what is the answer?

There are no quick fixes. There are no quick answers. **sigh**

Just mindfulness. Taking a moment to see what is off, and then getting back on track. Allowing myself to be upset, but also allowing myself to be ok. Realizing that other people’s needs, although different, are not more important than my own. 

And grace. Yes, I have actually learned this lesson before. Many times. But it’s ok I’m learning it again. I’m not perfect. 

So, to answer your question…yes, I am good. And I mean it. I’m on day two of stretching. On day two of mindfulness. On day two of getting my life back on track.

As long as I have breath, I will make mistakes. But as long as I have breath, I have an opportunity to make my life better. To do better. To be better.

And that, my friends, is all that matters.