28 - I am she

The last ten years have just been me trying to actively figure out where the fuck I am supposed to be in this world. Trying to understand my purpose. And then trying to figure out how to live it.

I’ve known for a while what I believed to be my purpose. And it still is. But it is so much more!

When I dissect what I believe was given to me, it is true. I am here to love people. Plain and simple. Or, so you would think. And to me, I believe it is. But not everyone thinks similarly to me. The world seems to be more focused on, “I will love you if…” If you do what I want. If you have the same values as me. If you appear in a way that I can relate.

But that isn’t true love. Love doesn’t have parameters. It is endless. There is no asterisk next to the word that has fine print at the bottom of the document.

It is just love. Love for all people, no matter the age, the sexual orientation, gender, ethnic background or upbringing. Just love people.

And the next part is very near to my heart: inspire people to find their purpose, their passion, their place in this world. I was so upside down and inside out for so many years! So many years! Wondering why am I here? What is the point in everything? How can I do better? Live better? Give better? Be better? I wanted a life that didn’t include just surviving. I wanted to thrive!

The journey to finding my purpose was such an exciting one. It didn’t seem like it at the time, but when I positioned myself to see the good in life, to find the reason for everything, the answers slowly began to eek out. I’m so thankful that I kept a journal (something I had never been good at doing) so I didn’t lose all of those amazing discoveries about myself and the world around me. I opened my eyes to see, and the veil melted. I was finally able to grasp what had been there all along. I was able to appreciate all of the strange, wonderful, weird things about myself that I had always wanted to hide.

Here I am world! Like it or not, I am here!

And so I have spent the last year of this website. Documenting things that happened before, things I thought that might interest or inspire. And things I was going through at that very moment. It’s been good, crazy, depressing, exciting and surreal, all at once.

It’s my one year anniversary!

And I’m excited to share some news. Apparently, there is more in me.

A little while ago I was in such a mix of messed up emotions, that I never knew if I was coming or going. The opinions of everyone (literally, everyone!) bothered me. The person behind me in line? I worried what he thought. The person beside me while driving? I worried what she thought. The people in the other booth at the restaurant? I worried what they thought. Everyone! Every. One.

In a moment of clarity, I realized that the only opinion I really care about is God’s. Above my husband, my children, my friends, my acquaintances, and complete strangers. Even above my own opinion, because quite frankly, I don’t think I’m doing such a great job of managing myself.

When that clicked, I was able to ask myself, “Self? At the end of the day, is God pleased with what you did today?” If the answer was yes (even though other people had given me crap), I was happy. If the answer was no, I thought about how I could carry myself better in the future. Maybe I needed to be kinder. Maybe I needed to do something instead of being lazy. Maybe I needed to do less because I was stretched too thin. But the only way for me to truly know was to spend time with Him. And so I have.

I’m not perfect, don’t even try to think that is what I am saying. What I am saying is that I found someone who truly is perfect, someone whose opinion of me matters. Someone who has a right to judge me. And honestly, there is no human in my eyes who deserves that distinction.

Do you know what I have learned recently? I have been in a period of rest. Preparations were needing to take place in me and around me. I needed to understand my identity and what I have been called to do.

That time was planned, and I have been uniquely positioned to continue my purpose. But it is 2.0, the upgraded version.

Not only have I been chosen to encourage, but to lift up and embolden those around me. I realize I am strong, but I needed the time to focus that strength. I am sensitive, but I needed that time to realize that it is a beautiful characteristic. I am powerful, but I needed that time to learn how to pull positive energy from around me, and into me. Sometimes I can be quiet, but not always. I have learned to shut up and listen and wait on my Lord.

The sleeping lioness is now awake.

She represents beauty, femininity, strength and wisdom. She is independent, cunning, and full of maternal love.

She is fierce and powerful, a strong protector for women and those who respect them.

I am she.