My mind is a jerk

I am going through some health problems right now and the hardest part isn’t what you might think. 

It isn’t the physical pain in certain areas of my body. It isn’t the chronic fatigue or uncertainty of when it will hit. It isn’t even a lack of support. It’s how my brain is processing the information.

It is how my thoughts are processing the information.

I’m like a computer trying to find information to input into the analyzing program. I don’t know how to write computer code, but I’m trying to write a code that will take everything and spit out a logical explanation. But for some reason, there is no rhyme or reason to what is going on. 

No one knows. My primary doctor doesn’t know. The specialists don’t know. They all look confused and scratch their heads. They plan to try one thing, then change their minds. They don’t know. So why do I think I can figure it out?

Because I know me. At least, that’s what I tell myself. 

I listen to positive reels every morning. While I’m drinking my coffee, I start off with comedy. I can’t be listening to much beyond that until the caffeine has kicked in. Once I’m officially awake, I love to listen to positive, uplifting reels. Things that encourage me, tell me I’m  good enough, but also studies that influence my positive self-talk. 

When I stop to work out, I listen to music that both motivates me and makes me feel good about myself. In the shower and while getting dressed, I have a few Youtube motivational videos that I rotate each day. 

But once I step out of my room? I won’t say it’s all downhill from there. But it’s pretty close. 

Is it because the world is in turmoil? Is it because my country is divided in a way I haven’t experienced in 50+ years? Is it because my friend group is drifting apart? Is it because I’m waiting on test results? No.

All of those things are true. But the real answer lies in how my brain is processing all of it and the output it is creating. 

What I am seeing are not things that are unique. I remember hearing a speaker, Jay Shetty, I believe, say that the reason we are having difficulties is because we, as a society, see (are aware of) more in one day than humans ever experienced in a lifetime. We didn’t know what was going on on the other side of the world. We didn’t know what was going on on the other side of our state. News was slow, and often wasn’t shared until much later, if ever. Our bodies can’t handle the inundating information. And also, it isn’t just information. It is screamed at us, with the intention of shocking and horrifying. 

Which could be considered valid. 

Or not. 

Do I really need to know every single thing that is going on outside of my house? Everything? From my neighbor to the other side of the world? What can I honestly fix? What can I do? 

It’s the lack of capability that really unsettles me. And I don’t think I’m alone. 

What can I actually do?

So I focus my attention closer. Right now I’m barely able to take care of my home. Seriously. So I have no business feeling bad about not solving problems on the other side of the world. Or even on the other side of the country. Or even in my city. My house. My home needs to be the extent of my focus. And on some days, even that is too much. 

Maybe I need to just focus on me. 

I have heard that if a fish is sick, you don't treat the fish. You treat the tank. The surroundings of the fish are treated if a fish is sick. How profound is that?

After looking at my surroundings, the thing that is causing me the most distress is my mind. I have finally started telling my husband what a jerk it is. Instead of hiding it in the dark, I am trying to expose it for what it is: a liar. But exposing it hasn’t helped. It just keeps going. 

I drown it in positivity in the morning. I don’t give it an opportunity to say anything to me. Just reel after reel of positive affirmations and laughter and encouragement. But as soon as that stops, my mind starts trying to pull me back down. So I work out. With headphones that are loud. Sometimes it still creeps in. When I catch it, I try to focus on my movement and the music.

I’m learning a lot of really nice things in the mornings. I love that. But nothing seems to stick. I mean, some days are nice and I do pretty well. But most of the time…not so much.

I think the reality is that every day you have to start again and focus on the positive. Do the best you can and that’s all you can really do. It’s frustrating working so hard. God, is it frustrating! But when I pause, and think back to where I was 10 years ago, I am absolutely a better person! It’s still work to drag my ass out of bed every day. It’s hard to be positive, let alone be positive in a world of Debbie Downers. Making the choice to not let the world get me down is a difficult choice. Because the act of merely making the choice is an act. It is an active movement. That takes energy. And sometimes I don’t think I have the energy. 

But I will try to keep doing it. Because I can’t let my mind win.