Worn

Written July 7

I opened a new playlist for my workout today. It’s an old one, but this song is appropriate.

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

My next surgery is soon and I am trying to keep up with my workout so that I will be stronger, and hopefully my recovery is smoother. It makes sense in my head.

But the weight of yet another surgery is heavy. This will be my fourth surgery since 2020. That’s a lot. It’s overwhelming sometimes.

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Each surgery, I think, this is the one! This is what will magically make everything better. And maybe it does get better for a while. But that only happens after the months of recovery. So there have been very small windows of, “I think it was worth it.” The last two surgeries have given no such window. That’s a very negative thought as I prepare for the next battle.

And it is a battle.

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

Having surgery is difficult. The fear of the pain involved and fear of the outcome. Will there be complications? Will it make it worse? Will I die?

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

If everything is fine, and I wake up, there is also the excruciating pain to deal with. But the nurses explain everything bad to look for (which I don’t every completely remember), have me sign myself out, and I go home. Quickly. Before the anesthesia completely wears off and I realize just how bad everything actually is. When I had my SI joint fusion, by the time I got home, I could put no weight on that side. I couldn’t walk, even with the help of my sons. Luckily, I had a walker from a previous surgery. What if I hadn’t had that?

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Music is therapy for me. It is either artistic expression as I sing, or brings thoughts to my mind that I have forgotten or blocked. Good memories make me smile, of course. If they are bad, I would go down a rabbit hole of negative memories. I don’t like doing that, so I have learned to block them.

Today’s memory hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had gone no-contact with my parents because of my dad’s bad behavior. I didn’t want to be around that. But many years ago, I got a call that he was dying. So we packed up the kids and did a three-day, cross-country trip to see him. Possibly the last time my kids would see him.

Long story short, he was transitioning in a nursing home before he was able to go home from the hospital. I called an ambulance and my mom was in the hospital recovering from a separate serious issue. We left after (I think) a week, when things had calmed down. Well, they were calming down for them. My dad was home and my mom was being released soon. The things they told me were not things to be told. I was imploding. We had to leave.

I remember sitting in the truck, as my husband was driving. My dad called. I can picture the city we were driving through, as it then turned to countryside. I remember my dad lamenting his life and mentioning the gun he had in a safe.

My husband was driving. My kids were around me, playing on their devices, completely oblivious to what I was saying. The song, “Worn,” by Tenth Avenue North was playing in the background. I was trying to convince my dad that life was worth living, and he shouldn’t use the gun. He didn’t.

My dad resented the fact that his parents hadn’t helped him. So it was up to my sister and I (and the world, to be honest) to make up for that. We had to be the mature ones, always assuring him.

I wish I wasn’t thinking about this right before my surgery.

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah, I'm worn

*The song is, “Worn,” by Tenth Avenue North