Unwell

I’m exhausted.

So many doctor appointments and worrying about what they will show, or even what they won’t.

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

I had my Echocardiogram. I was nervous because it was at a different hospital on the other side of town. I worried about parking and finding the right place to be. Luckily, most hospitals have free valet parking and an easily seen information desk. That turned out to be ok.

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

Next, I needed fitted for a heart monitor that I would wear for a week. I use the word “fitted” very loosely. A woman came in and used a scouring pad to take off as many layers of skin as possible before it flew out of her hand and landed on the floor. Thank you, Jesus! She told me to push the button if I was having an “episode,” handed me the box to return it when done, and sent me on my way.

I only documented about five instances in the next week. I remember my heart beating fast on the way to see a new doctor (wrist), but that is normal. I knew I was just stressed. I pressed the button and documented it anyway. Just in case.

Just in case of what? I don’t know.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I have a sharp pain in my collar bone and one in my shoulder blade. I have pain in the shoulder joint. My pinky and ring finger are numb. I’ve had the pain for over two years, and had a surgery last December to solve the problem. It didn’t. So why am I seeing someone who specializes in wrists? I don’t know. The PA ended up doing a steroid shot. If that works, it means I need surgery in my carpal tunnel. I’m not a doctor, but if you look it up, the carpal tunnel leads to the thumb, first finger and middle finger. Not my problem areas. We’re checking it out anyway. She wanted me to follow up with the doctor in a month.

I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I saw a specialist about my shoulder. I either have a slap tear or I need my scapula shaved down. One of them he does a lot of and one he does about once a year. Judging by his age, he has only done one or two. I call him Doc Hollywood after the 1980s movie. I need to figure out which is worse (the pain in my clavicle or the pain in my shoulder blade) before I see him again. He ordered an MRI Arthrogram.

I'm talking to myself in public
and dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

I followed up with the wrist/elbow doctor and he concluded that my problem was not with my wrist. I agreed. He mentioned TOS (thoracic outlet syndrome), but told me not to look it up. “Too late, doc. A physical therapist already mentioned that a year ago and I’ve looked into the symptoms.” Not really. But I thought it. He put in for Occupational Therapy and we’ll reconvene when I have done that for a month.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I had an MRI Arthrogram and I am still in immense pain. The procedure was ok, but it’s difficult dealing with the offices. Some people are nicer than others (just as some patients are nicer than others). I try to talk to the doctors, technicians, and whoever else is working. I try to be kind and follow the rules. I ask questions, if needed, but try to research as much as possible ahead of the appointment. I never leave feeling positive about the experience. Does anyone?

I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...

I went to the follow-up to discuss the findings of the MRI Arthrogram. They pointed out three separate issues with the possibility of more. They won’t know until they go in and look. My surgery is scheduled for next week.

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

I listen to motivational videos every day. I want to be the greatest version of myself. I want to do great things, go to great places, and see great things. It’s all in my power. But the little voices in my head keep reminding me of all the things I can’t do. They are like toxic friends and I need to mute them. Remove them. Destroy them.

If I am still on this planet earth, there is a reason. A reason for living. A reason for being.

So why the hell am I just sitting around? Waiting. Waiting for what? A diagnosis to tell me what I can and can’t do? I’ve already limited myself. I’m already telling myself that I can’t do anything. And has that made me happy? Absolutely not!

My hand is burning as I type. In the past, that would mean that I don’t type. But, guess what? It still burns. It doesn’t go away just by eliminating the activity. So, how about, as long as I am physically able to do it, I do it. The thing. Whatever it is. The thing that I want to do. It doesn’t have to be big or elaborate or surrounded by fanfare. It just has to be something that I want to do. And then I do it.

If I have to take a thousand breaks, and it takes a while to get done, so be it.

If I’m writing and it’s shorter than I want it to be, so be it. At least I wrote something.

If I believe it, I can achieve it. It may take longer than I want, it might not be as good as I want, but I can do it. If I just keep at it, keep chipping away, eventually I will finish it. And then I start another one and finish that one. Slowly, day by day.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

It won’t be easy but I have to take control and keep pushing.

*The song is, “Unwell,” by Matchbox Twenty