The Process Gives Me Joy!

I have a birthday that is right on the cutoff for school. I ended up being the youngest in my grade. Because of that, all of my classmates outgrew things before I did. I wasn’t ready to give up my childish interests, but I did to fit in.

I’ve done a lot of things to fit in. Things that weren’t natural or easy for me to do. And the funny thing is that it was obvious. So why did I try?

The most important step (in my opinion) to finding your purpose is the first one: find out who you are. This step can take a very long time. It requires a lot of thinking. And remembering. And focusing. It isn’t easy.

When I was asked, and I’ve said this a lot because I feel it’s important, I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what I liked to do. I didn’t know what interested me. I didn’t know what would be fun.

I did things that I felt should be fun, but I didn’t find joy. I went places I thought should be fun, but I didn’t find joy. I had to pretend. That was frustrating.

I think the biggest key to knowing what I liked, was found when I looked back to what I enjoyed as a child. Yes, I am an adult now. But what sorts of things did I enjoy as a child? What did I do before homework took over my life? What did I do before peer pressure kicked in?

One of the things I enjoyed was playing with dolls. That could lead me to think I want to be a child care-giver. And I thought that for a while. But it wasn’t the children aspect I enjoyed, it was the creativity. I enjoyed creating stories.

And I loved art. Before I was told I didn’t have any talent, I enjoyed painting, especially with finger paints. Besides smearing it on a paper to make an abstract scene, I enjoyed the feel of the goo between my fingers. I enjoyed squishing it between my hands and making a mess.

I don’t think of myself as a perfectionist. And if something doesn’t matter to me, I’m not. I just didn’t realize how much I have made myself not care about things. I stopped doing things I enjoy because of the judgement. In the process of doing that, I lost myself. In trying to fit in, that’s all I had time for. Working really hard to fit in.

I said that I recently started drawing, trying to make a cartoon-of-sorts to explain my stories. Another outlet to encourage people. But the person it has encouraged the most is me.

I love drawing! I loooooove it!

And the stick figures I had such a hard time drawing? Those have morphed into actual pictures. Again, they aren’t fantastic. But I am proud of them! I enjoy the process of creating. It is a process. And I enjoy it.

I spend hours drawing. And hours editing. I zoom in to draw and redraw and erase and draw and add another color and erase and draw. I love it!

How do I know this is related to my purpose? Because I love it. It isn’t a chore. It isn’t something I have to make myself do. Time has no meaning when I am working. Hours go by without me realizing it. I often think or say, “Just one more minute. Let me finish this one thing.” Dinner is usually late and I’m often in the living room working after everyone is in bed.

Don’t get me wrong! I had to do a lot of things I didn’t like to get to this spot. I had to step out of my comfort zone and stretch beyond what I was capable of doing. There was pain in the growing. It wasn’t always easy. And it won’t always be easy moving forward from here.

But right this moment.

THIS very moment.

The one I am in right now.

I am happy. I have joy in the process.

I am creating joy. If not for others, at the very least, I am creating joy for me.

My next animation: The Waiting Room. I stopped tweaking and finally posted!