36 - There We Are Then

I usually try to write AFTER I have figured something out. I will tell you something that happened, and then I will tell you how it ended. But today I am going to spice things up a bit. I am going to tell you something that happened to me and we are going to work through it together. Ready? All right, let us begin.

Backstory: I don’t have a ton of local friends. Honestly, that is a gross understatement. If I decided that I wanted to do something like go shopping, I would have a very hard time trying to find a partner in crime. My close friends, the ones I talk to on a regular basis, are scattered across the United States like pixie dust. A twinkle here, a sparkle there… They light up my life, but they do so from a distance.

My fellow goddesses are women who have lifted me up in my darkest moments, sent encouraging words out of the blue, ladies who have talked me down from the proverbial ledge. Or an actual ledge, but I digress…

These are women who have fought for me, either against other people, or with myself. They love me unconditionally, and are teaching me to love myself the same way. When I remind them of my warts, they say they are beauty marks. When I feel alone in my weirdness, they say I am a beautiful unicorn.

They are amazing!

But they are far.

I was recently given the opportunity to meet some other local women. Although I am often overheard as saying, “people suck,” I was nonetheless excited to meet new friends.

I was cautiously optimistic that this time would be different. The mutual friend that was bringing me into the group is an angel. She is honestly the sweetest person I have ever met.

*pause while I try to gather my thoughts*

It wasn’t a horrible encounter.

*clears throat*

I just felt…like I was being interrogated. But not blatantly. It was a passive interrogation. Passive aggressive?

As a homeschooler, I’m used to being around people who don’t agree with it. But they never come out and say it, exactly. They just explain why they didn’t homeschool (I don’t care what other people do), and they always give examples of homeschoolers they know who have been horrible, and shouldn’t be homeschooling.

Okay…what are you trying to say?

Except, I know exactly what you are trying to say. Because I have had people come right out and say it. And honestly, I worried about it when my kids were little.

But now that they are older, I am 100% confident I did/am doing the right thing for them. It was the right decision for us.

Don’t get me wrong! I have no issue with people asking honest questions out of curiosity. But I can tell the difference. This was thinly veiled hostility.

I don’t like bragging, but after a while I shared the extensive success of my oldest. As expected, all homeschooling questions were laid to rest.

*huge sigh of relief*

I relaxed too soon. Because the next big topic moved to religion and the inevitable question: Where do you go to church?

I am very happy and proud to be a part of an online church based in another state. Elevationchurch.org is amazing! I was introduced to the pastor (I was given a link) by a friend when I was told I had a brain tumor but had to wait a month to get an MRI. I was scared and very anxious. The lessons spoke to me in a way that no sermons had ever done before. I continued to watch even when we became active in a local church and I was a youth group leader. Later, when my daughter and husband were in other states, we could all watch at the same time as a family. And although we all listened to the same words, God spoke to each of us in different ways. That church has ministered to us and seen us through difficult times, in a way no other church has. Even though it is in a different time zone, 1600+ miles away. How can you argue with that?

But she did.

Which begs the question: Why do people do that?

Instead of getting mad like I used to (because believe me, this has happened a lot), this time I have spent the last 24 hours trying to figure it out.

And honestly, maybe that is what I need to focus on. The change in me. People are always going to question how I do things. I move in a different way than others. I have had to learn what works for me, and adjust my life to make things fit. And that is good!

I used to bend and twist and contort my life, my feelings, my way of doing things, to match other people. I don’t do that any more. At least, I try not to.

I have mentioned that I have had a few years of introspection. Really looking inside of myself to understand why certain things make me upset. To understand why certain things provoke a reaction. To understand why certain things cause me to shut down. Now that I know, I am working to provide a calm environment for myself. A place I can feel comfortable, genuine and happy. A place where I can feel safe.

Safety is important to me. Physical safety. Emotional safety. Spiritual safety. I need to know that those around me will not attack any of those areas.

I also need respect. I will be respectful of you, the best way I know how, but I also need you to be respectful of me.

I think, instead of wasting any more time trying to figure out why she said the things she said, I need to just move on. And honestly, in the past, if anyone had told me to just “move on,” I would be mad. I wouldn’t know how to move on. I just wouldn’t!

But here is what I am going to do: I am going to choose to move on with my life. If I start to get angry, I’ll just choose to remind myself that it’s over. If I start to get indignant, I’ll just choose to remind myself that it’s over. And if I am invited to hang out with her again, I can choose to say no thank you.

I say this over and over again. I wish I could get to some final, perfect plane of existence. But that isn’t real. It isn’t possible.

The goal is just to make better decisions. To do better than I did in the past. To be better than I was in the past.

What do you think? Is that a good plan? I hope so!