15 - No More Buts

Of all the things you could potentially buy out of the back of a stranger's truck, I suppose trees aren't so bad.

My husband and I both grew up in the Midwest. Trees were abundant and beautiful and something we wanted in our forever home when retiring from the military. When the time came, there weren't a lot of options, so we fell in love with a beautiful home that had 3 real trees and some weed trees. We can see "The Forest," from our house. A community we are technically a part of, but we're in the grassland. A mile from the edge.

We always thought that we would eventually buy some trees, but after visiting a couple of nurseries, we realized the enormity of the expense that would be involved. New plan: propagate the Aspen shoots that were popping up in the yard like weeds. Tally ho!

Fast forward to a recent Saturday when a man pulled up in front of the house. Normally, we just pretend that we aren’t home. But we were in the garage. With the door up. About 10 yards away.

Now, my husband and I hate when people come around unannounced. No, we don’t want to sign your petition. Yes, we have found Jesus. No, we don’t want to buy a magazine subscription. 

We are suckers and easily talked into things. We know this. Which is why we try not to make eye contact with people at the farmer’s market (or craft market or comic con or…) unless we intend to buy something. Because we will buy something, anything, if you look sad enough. And kids selling stuff? Forget about it! All willpower is gone as we try to single handedly make the best sale of the day.

But this guy had a truck full of trees. And we had been wanting trees. And two neighbors had each bought trees that looked so beautiful. And we had been wanting trees. And the price was so good. And we had been wanting trees.

So we bought some trees.

He had an odd number but promised to bring another one tomorrow when he planted them. We gave him a small down payment and he unloaded those heavy evergreens in the yard. Bueno!

The next morning instead of showing up with one, he had another truckload. In case we wanted more. “But it would look so good with a whole line, here.” Of course it would look good. We barely had any at all.

We ended up getting 2 extra. But that was it. Even though he kept saying, “uno mas.”

He told me of a man that had bought five trees, but the wife wanted ten more. But you need uno mas! It would look good here.

He told me of an older gentleman who had bought bigger trees because he didn’t want to wait for them to grow. But you need uno mas! It would look good there.

Uno mas. Uno mas. Finally, frustrated, I yelled, “NO MAS!” No more. I was done.

I was so angry and it took me a few days to understand why.

I tiptoed around others for years, trying to stay calm. But dying inside at the audacity of some people. Like, seriously?! What the hell is wrong with you?

This video pretty closely encapsulates my feelings: (click here)

Although I feel no need for retaliation, I do believe the line must be drawn. How to explain that it is ok to be upset, it is ok to say “no more,” without going into a million details? How do I share this concept without showing how truly angry I am? Then I realized, maybe it’s ok you know that I am upset. Maybe it’s ok you know that I have had some people who have not just pushed me, but pushed hard. And far. Multiple times. But no more. I don’t get angry. I’m just done.

As a people pleaser, my life has been filled with those who want to take advantage of it. There are those who know that I won’t say anything, so they push and push and push. And when I break, they act surprised.

My son compared it to a branch that has been cut from a tree. When you bend it, it is fine. The next day you twist and bend it again. It is fine. After a while, the wood begins to dry out, and is no longer as flexible. Eventually, when it is bent, it is broken. Why do people not see that? Is it because they don’t want to see it? All they see is that the branch is no longer performing in the way they want. They blame the branch for no longer tolerating their abuse. The branch used to bend. The branch used to twist. It is the branch’s fault for breaking.

I have said that when I changed, some liked it, some didn’t, and some didn’t even notice. I set up boundaries that hadn’t been there before. If you never tried to take advantage of me, you wouldn’t have noticed. If you noticed that other people took advantage of me, and it made you sad to see me all twisted in knots, you would’ve been happy that I set boundaries. The only people who didn’t like the boundaries were those who constantly liked to cross them. Imagine that.

I am going to say something very controversial, and I realize it is not going to go over well with a lot of people. That’s ok. But there is someone out there who needs to hear this:

You do not have to allow everyone access to your inner circle. 

Let me explain. Your inner circle is the bubble around you, your safe place. You control who has access to that. When my boys were in scouts, we learned about the “blood zone.” That is the area that, when whittling, no one else should be. Or they will get cut. They put their arms out and if someone was too close, they moved to a safer spot. 

That is a physical zone, but it is also an emotional zone. 

Every single person is allowed to guard that place and only allow worthy persons to enter. Again, in this instance, I am not talking about a physical presence (although it definitely applies), but an emotional one. All of the people in your life, coworkers, friends, family, spouse, neighbors, do not automatically belong there. As a matter of fact, most of them shouldn’t be there. Only those who have earned a spot should be allowed.

You also have a bigger bubble around you that is your home. And you control who is allowed access to that bubble as well. Just because someone wants to be there, does not mean they get permission to be there.

Next, what happens if someone is there, but loses your trust? What happens if they become abusive? What happens if they continue to ignore your boundaries? They should lose that place of significance. They are no longer allowed.

I know that some will be very upset by what I just said. What happened to forgiveness?

A very wise man (my husband) once said: Forgiveness does not mean relationship. I can forgive someone and choose not to continue to have a relationship with them. I can forgive someone and choose not to allow them access to my life. 

That goes for every person I have known. Whether it is an acquaintance, friend, or family member, I can choose who I interact with on an “inner circle” level. And who I place farther than arm’s length. 

Just because you know me, you don’t automatically have immediate access to me.

Just because you are related to me, you don’t automatically have immediate access to me.

No one gets a free pass. 

That seems so conceited, so arrogant to say. But it’s not. Hang with me a minute.

Removing someone from your inner circle does not mean that you are malicious. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone, but you need to be kind. It’s finally having enough courage to recognize how amazing you are (and you are amazing!) and surrounding yourself with people who encourage that. Surround yourself with people who are true, authentic and inspire you to be the best version of yourself. People who respect your boundaries, whatever you decide those are.

The very hardest people to remove are those who know you intimately. A family member, a close friend. I have had to deal with abuse and ridicule from the very  people who should be the most supportive! And why did I put up with it? Because I thought I had to. And the abuser continued because they thought I had to put up with it. But I don’t. And neither do you.

If you think I am telling you to get rid of every single person or family member who has ever upset you, or irritated you in some way, you have missed the point. That is absolutely NOT what I am saying!

My immediate family is everything to me. I love them unconditionally and give them allowances that others are not granted. But when they push me too far, I talk to them and explain that their behavior, or their treatment of me (if negative) will not be tolerated. They understand and I appreciate that. I extend the same courtesy to them. 

I am talking about people who consistently ignore my needs. A need for peace, for calm, for respect, for dignity. There are others that do not listen to what I tell them. I clearly explain the lines that cannot be crossed, but they are blatantly ignored.

“I know you don’t like it when I talk about this, but…”

“I know this bothers you, but…”

“I know you don’t want me to do this in your house, but…”

What the actual fuck?!?

The next question you may ask yourself is how far away to hold people. That's completely up to you. You, and only you, get to decide who is close to you, and who isn't. And for those who are not, how far away to keep them.

You get to decide. You. And whatever you choose is ok!

I am a big supporter of allowing people to be the authentic version of themselves. "You do you, boo!" That's ok. If you're toxic, just "do you" away from me. So it doesn't suffocate a healthy me.

The man came back 2 1/2 weeks later to see if I wanted three more trees. But this time I wasn’t mad. My husband and I have been very pleased with the trees we bought, and would like to buy more. Next year. So I told him no, not now. I was firm, but I was nice. I have set a line in the sand and I will not be pushed past it. I get to make that choice. I decide what I am willing to do, not anyone else. 

No more buts. I am in control of my circle. Just like you are in control of yours.