6 - Documenting The Journey

I need to pause a moment and inhale the snark.

Oh. Em. Geee!

What the hell is happening to me? One moment I am calm and serene, the next I am a jumble of nerves, and each of those nerves is being lit like a firework, that then explodes in my brain. Why? What is going on?

I am trying to document my journey. The journey that leads to right now. Or, at least, the “right now” that was a few days ago and was very calm and serene. But the “right now” that I am experiencing right now is not calm and serene. I am not in a place of rest and reflection. I am, once again, in a state of panic and fear. Why am here? What caused the change?

Who am I to tell my story when my story keeps changing? I must arrive at a perfectly beautiful destination and then describe the path that got me there. I can’t still be on the journey to success if I want to describe the journey to success. I can’t tell you how to get there if I am not there! Can I?

I need to remind myself that this is the story of a journey. My journey. And I’m still traveling.

You can’t fix crazy. All you can do is document it.

Author Unknown

On my confident days, I wake up ready to slay the dragon! I am confident in my position in this world and will fuck you up if you get in my way. The energy surrounding me is light and I am funny. No, really! I am told I am a blast to be around when I own the world.

On the other days, the days I hate, I am overcome with a shadow. It reminds me of our days stationed at Vandenberg AFB. We were situated on a bend and I could watch as the fog slowly rolled toward our home. Its dense wall would absorb and remove all light. It was a creepy sight to behold and was haunting to experience.

What causes the shift in perspective? What happens on a mental level to remove my sunshine and replace it with darkness? On a physical level, I can describe where fog comes from and why. Fog happens when warmer air interacts with cold air. The cold air can hold less water vapor than the warm air, so the water vapor condenses into liquid water to form fog. What is happening, in my life, to cause the cold air?

I have had several days that have been just plain hard. I could list everything out, and you would say, “Wow! That was tough!” But I won’t. We all have tough days. We all have tough weeks. We all have tough years.

How to get past that?

At first, I think, “Who the heck do you think you are to try and give advice?” Although that is a voice in my head that I am constantly fighting, there is some truth to it. Honestly, I don’t have my life together. I don’t have it all figured out. But I’ll write some things down that have helped. I can continue to reread this in the future when I struggle again. Maybe it will help you with your struggle as well.

When my kids were little, they used to drive me crazy saying mommy, mommy, mommy and hanging on my leg or tapping my arm. It was so frustrating as I tried to ignore them and finish what I was doing. The more I ignored, the louder they became. They wanted me to give them attention.

I learned to stop, make them look me in the eye, and have a conversation. I gave them my full, undivided attention. I heard their story, or looked at their picture, or watched them do a cartwheel. I was 100% invested in what they were doing. When they were satisfied that I had SEEN them, they would run off and play. Life is the same.

We live in a world that wants us to deny our feelings, shove them down, pretend they don’t exist. All that does is make them louder. And more consistent. And more annoying.

Have you ever shared a devastating story with someone who dismissed it? They told you to look on the bright side. Or, count your blessings. Or, reminded you it could be worse. All that does is make you feel bad.

I have something to say: no matter how bad something is, someone else always has it worse. BUT, that doesn’t make your thing any less bad. Does that make sense? We are allowed to be upset or sad or angry or frustrated. If that’s how I feel, that’s how I feel. I can’t change that. And trying to push the feeling away only makes it stronger. Like the child who is ignored. It will float in your peripheral vision until you acknowledge it and address it.

Now, having a feeling and acting on that feeling are two different things. I am allowed to be angry, but choosing to direct that anger at someone else isn’t ok. The feeling is valid, the action I take may not be valid.

There is a joke in our house: Don’t feel that way! It’s a joke (and we all know it is a joke) because we recognize that we can’t change how we feel. If I’m jealous that people are enjoying a bowl of ice cream, I am jealous. You explaining to me that I would have stomach pain if I ate it would not make me feel any better about it. Denying it just makes it worse.

I find the best way to deal with my feelings is by myself. So no one gets hurt in the crossfire. If I have a hard time processing them, I may talk to someone else to get another perspective. But I’m careful who I talk to. Is this person going to help me get it out, or come up with a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t feel that way?

One of my biggest tools, and something I tell my kids all the time, is to set a timer. Decide how long you’re going to be upset/angry/sad about the situation. Is it 10 minutes? Is it an hour? Is it a day? Decide how long you need, and then take that time. For the next 10 minutes/hour, etc. just wallow in the feeling. Where is it coming from? Do I know why I feel this way? Like a pig in the mud, roll around in the mess. Acknowledge everything about it. Point out how unfair it is, or how you don’t deserve it, or how much it sucks. Get it all out, no matter how ugly it looks.

When the time is up, pull yourself together. Did it feel good to get it all out? The situation still exists, but the feelings should be addressed. Now, we work.

The feelings about the situation are no longer clouding my vision. I begin to plan. What can I do, if anything, to move forward?

The most productive way to think things through is by moving. Something repetitive that doesn’t require thought. Something as simple as walking.

It’s strange how exercise frees the mind to wander. Wander in the right direction if there is no anger or sadness blocking the path. Everything wants to come together in the right place, like pieces of a puzzle. The path just needs unblocked.

To be honest, if you had told me 10 years ago that I would recommend exercise for mental health breakthrough, I would’ve thought you were lying. However, I am a convert. You don’t need fancy clothes or fancy shoes. You just need to put one foot in front of the other and let your mind roam free.

Another suggestion might be stretching. Currently I am in a lot of pain that starts in my back and radiates down my leg. Walking is a struggle. However, I can stretch. Arm movements. Leg lengthening. Back stretches. Movement is key.

Maybe I will solve my problem. Maybe I won’t. But I’ve calmed down enough to realize ONCE AGAIN, that life is a journey. There will be ups. There will be downs. I will have good days. And I will have bad.

As long as I’m continuing to make an effort, I’ll be all right.

And if I’m a little bit crazy sometimes, that’s ok. I may not be able to fix it, but I can certainly document the journey.