9 - Balance

Through an act of God, or sheer luck (I’m not sure which), my husband was able to find four tiny bottles of my favored creamer. I couldn’t believe it! 

Side note: If you haven’t read my last post (8 – One Step at a Time), you may want to click here to find out what I’m talking about.

It occurred to me that my experiment had not been complete because I had not had a chance to check the new coffee with the old creamer. I had published my results with insufficient data! Although, to be fair, I didn’t think I would have the chance to experiment with the old creamer.

As I made the new coffee, waiting for the brew to fill my cup, I laughed at how funny it would be if the coffee still tasted bad. What a PLOT TWIST if both the new creamer AND the new coffee tasted bad. I chuckled to myself as I planned an entire post in my head about plot twists!

With the cup filled, and the delicious creamer added, I took my first sip. Delightful goodness.

Damn! That ruined my entire plan. 

The plot twist was that there was no plot twist. 

The irony!

After a moment of disappointment (not really about the coffee, but about my planned post), I realized that this happens to me all the time. I plan something and then it doesn’t happen. I plan. I work. I bend. I move. Then something else happens.

Side note: Is it still considered a ‘no plot twist’ if something doesn’t happen? Like, maybe it’s just a plot twist that nothing happened. But is that even a plot twist? Isn’t that just carrying on with the story? A boring story, but still… And if something else happened, that you hadn’t planned on happening, isn’t that just a plot twist? Isn’t that the very definition of plot twist? Yes, I looked it up to be 100% sure. Maybe what bothers me is plot twists. Period. So, basically, life annoys me. Although, according to the definition, it is something unexpected that happens in a book, tv show, movie, game, etc. Unless I’m the star of the ‘Truman Show,’ what happens in my daily life is not a plot twist. It’s just life. And sometimes life is just plain annoying.

I’m supposed to be learning something (apparently), but I’m not sure exactly what that is.

When I was a child, I was a bit of a ‘head in the clouds’ kind of kid. I rarely knew what was going on in the real world as I was constantly absorbed with the reality I had created on my own. 

I was berated by teachers and family because I was smart, but not applying myself. Because only applying yourself to “worthwhile” projects is rewarded. 

Now, I know that kind of thinking is bullshit. But at the time, I wanted my teachers to like me. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted society to see me as important. So I worked really hard to fit in. But the analogy of a square peg in a round hole is absolutely so on point! No matter how hard the square peg tries, it won’t fit in the round hole.

This makes me think of Apollo 13 and the near-disaster problem that was solved by out of the box thinking. (Click here to see what I’m talking about.) A perfect analogy of the amount of effort required to make that work. And honestly, that wasn’t a long-term solution. NASA was working in an emergency situation to temporarily filter the air.

The effort to bend myself into a worthwhile person required a lot of energy. Each day was an evaluation of sorts like when the engineers placed everything on the table. “These are my parts. How can I make them work?” It required a lot of planning. It required a lot of brain power to do what regular people do every day. Instead of WWJD, I was constantly asking myself what a NORMAL person would do. But I was doing this myself. I didn’t have a team to help me.

I put so much effort into looking and acting right, that I became exhausted. And, to be honest, it’s super stressful. Like, crazy stressful!

If you want to pass your classes, you need certain things. Access to a computer, a clear (or somewhat clear) understanding of the information, friends to share notes and to study, organization of the material, an ability to memorize… Lots of things are needed.

If you want to succeed as an adult, you need certain things. Income, budget, organization to pay all of your bills on time, ability to take care of yourself and your home… Lots of things are needed.

If you have a child who has food allergies, you need certain things. Recipes that will work, trips to stores that carry their food, equipment that makes cooking easier, time to make things from scratch… Lots of things are needed.

If you want to go on a trip with your family, you need certain things. Snacks compatible for everyone, enough clothes for every single family member, medical supplies that include Band-Aids and Tylenol, but also rescue inhalers and prescription medications for each person. Did you pack the sunscreen? Did you pack the extra napkins and wipes for the car? Did you pack fun things to keep everyone entertained? 

I have this Murphy's Law thing going where the one innocuous thing I would forget would be the one thing needed. Whether it was a notebook for class, paying a bill, or forgetting to pack something you can’t pick up at the store. Notebooks and bills are annoying to forget but not life threatening. Forgetting a child’s inhaler is not the same. This created a crazy, over-doing personality. 

I’ve been told I’m a micromanager which is completely ridiculous if you knew how I was as a child. But life, the bitch that she is, has taught me that I can’t relax. I can’t let someone else do it. I can’t just wait for everything to work itself out.

Because it doesn’t.

I get really annoyed at people who rely completely on the kindness and generosity of others. The only way they survive is by inconveniencing other people. That makes me mad. I had to learn to wait my turn in kindergarten. Why didn’t you? I had to learn to work my butt off to get good grades. Why didn’t you? I had to learn to cook. Why didn’t you? I had to learn to be prepared on trips. Why didn’t you? I had to learn to budget my time. Why can’t you?

I suppose if it was easy to do all of that stuff, I wouldn't mind as much. 

But it’s not.

I’ve reached this stage in my life where I’ve started noticing that I’m being taught the same lesson over and over. A ‘Groundhog Day’ of sorts, that drives me crazy. As I look back, I can see it in so many places.  It’s annoying.

The lesson I’m being taught is this: whatever you plan for, it’s not going to turn out the way you expect it.

Great!

So all that energy invested in being prepared is wasted. No matter how hard I try, no matter what emergency I plan for, something else will happen.

Except, the only reason I waste energy on being prepared, is because I haven’t been prepared and bad things happen.

So what the FUCK am I supposed to do?

Maybe there is a balance somewhere. Maybe things aren’t black or white. Maybe things aren’t up or down, left or right, in or out. 

Sitting on the fence isn’t a very popular place to be. But maybe that’s exactly where I need to live. Instead of being a pendulum that swings to one side or the other, I learn to walk the line in the middle. 

I am constantly trying to achieve balance, but at any given moment on the high-wire act of life, I could be anywhere on the spectrum. I could be in complete control. Or, I could be flat on my butt. Most likely, though, I look like a WACKY WAVING ARM-FLAILING INFLATABLE TUBE MAN, trying to gain balance.

A great thing to help would be a pole. It could represent all I’ve learned about in my life, all of the coping and management skills. I hold the bar in the middle because I know if I hold it too far left or right, I’ll fall. Having the pole doesn’t guarantee success, but it is a tool to help me along the way. Sometimes I lean a little to the left, and sometimes I lean a little to the right. That’s ok. I just need to get my ass back in the middle.

I don’t mean that I should be boring from now on. I was trained since preschool to follow the rules. Stay in line. Wait your turn. Don’t question authority. Blend in. Stay quiet. There is only one “right” answer. There is only one “right” way to do things. I disagree.

I just don’t need to swing to the left in order to balance the right. I don’t need to swing up to counteract the down. 

I don’t jump off of a cliff and scream how terrible it is that the ground is low. If I want to walk on a tightrope, I start low to the ground and practice, practice, practice. I use my pole to help me balance. Slowly, I get better and more confident. Only then am I able to get across.

But I have a thousand things to do. Are my kids getting the attention they deserve, individually? Is my husband getting the attention he deserves? Is my job? Are our meals healthy? Are my bills paid on time? Is the trash getting out to the curb? Is my cat up-to-date on her shots? Are my kids? Am I?

How do I cross the wire without falling?

For my family, we’re an “ALL IN” type of family. When my boys were in scouts, we ALL were in scouts. When my daughter was in karate, we ALL were in karate. When I helped at church, we ALL were there. 

Does it really need to be that way?

Maybe, for once, I create a little balance in my life. Maybe it’s ok to put one foot in the water without jumping all the way in. Maybe it’s ok to support someone from a healthy distance. Maybe it’s ok to wait until all the cards are shown before reacting. 

I need to remember that I was created this way on purpose. On purpose! If I waste energy trying to be something I’m not, I don’t have the energy to fulfil that purpose.

I need to calm down, take a deep breath, and put one balanced foot in front of the other. I want to be somewhere between free spirit airhead and psycho worst case scenario lady.

What is non-negotiable? Get it or do it. And as for the other stuff? Leave it alone. 

That’s all I can do. And that’s ok.

You know, there wasn’t anything wrong with the coffee tasting good. As a matter of fact, it was pretty awesome to have another option. And the fact that the other creamer was bad, that’s ok too. I just don’t buy it again.

I’m going to keep an inhaler and Epipen in my purse and walk on the fence. And if people don’t like that? Too bad.

This is my lesson.

What is yours?