25 - Working hard or hardly working?

It may seem like I have not been doing anything lately. I have been working my tail off, trying to make my website look and run better. But to people on the outside, it probably looks like I have not moved.

I have been dedicated to this transformation. I have gotten migraines from trying to understand computers and how to make this all run. I have watched many tutorials from Squarespace, and turned in tickets for help. I can’t even comprehend how many hours have been poured into this passion project I call my life’s purpose. Just in the last month. And for the most part, it has been unseen.

It reminds me of the work I have put into myself. To be better. To live better. It isn’t always seen.

The work it required to get to this place has been phenomenal. Seriously, it took years. Long years. Painful years. Working behind the scenes. Working on myself.

One of things I have been thinking about lately is how much I like to stay at home. I used to enjoy going out. What changed? Am I becoming a hermit?

It took me a while to realize what changed was me.

I put in a lot of effort to understand who I was. Until that point, life was on auto-pilot, without much effort being placed on what I should actually do. I just “did” what everyone else was doing. Once everything came to a halt, and I focused inward, things began to change.

I mention often that I started looking inward, or tried to discover who I really was, or worked to understand, uncover and reveal the authentic me. I use the words: purpose, passion, journey, process, authentic, and the phrases: be the best you, choose your reaction, there is a point to your life, and you are here on purpose.

I know people got sick (and still probably do get sick) of hearing it. They are words that are overused. But it was amazing when things clicked and I truly understood that life is not meaningless. I do have a reason for living. It isn’t random.

But that can be confusing. How did I get here?

I try not to reveal too much detail about how I got where I am, because it may be completely different for someone else. I don’t want someone to think there is only one way of doing things.

I remember a sermon I heard years and years ago. The pastor talked about a lake that had a boat in it. A person was working really hard to row and navigate through rough waters. He said we needed to stop working so hard in a rowboat, and get into a sailboat. Step into the sailboat!

That’s nice. But here is the question I keep asking and yelling and now laugh while saying: Where is the fucking sailboat?? I want to get in!

So believe me when I tell you I am not trying to be vague or mysterious. I’m just trying to motivate you to start looking. And follow where that takes you.

It’s like Tesla cars. I didn’t know what they looked like, and quite honestly, didn’t really care. But my son started talking about them and pointing them out when we were driving around town. It turns out that where I live, there are a lot of Teslas. I went from not knowing that they existed, or what they looked like, to seeing them everywhere.

My purpose took a while to find. But I hadn’t been looking. Once I began to question what I like to do, and what I was good at doing, and how I could use that to help others, steps started forming in front of me. Recognizing a spark about a certain subject inspired me to learn more. Dread for another subject warned me to go a different way. There wasn’t a single boat to get into. It was a path. With many steps. Some in the right direction. Some in the wrong direction. I paid attention to my gut reaction to certain things. I paid attention to how things made me feel.

Is there excitement? Is there fascination? Is there enjoyment?

Is there frustration? Is there anger? Is there emptiness?

After the choice to recognize who I was, I made the choice to control my surroundings. Everyone has an environment that encourages them to thrive. Some people like high stress, high activity. Some people thrive on low stress and low activity. I am in the second group, so I changed my environment to reflect that.

When people see me, they may see a calm (mostly), happy (mostly), excited (mostly) person. They don’t see the work that went into unleashing those characteristics. When people come to my home, they may see a calm (mostly), happy (mostly), joyful (mostly) environment. They don’t see the work that went into creating that space.

It’s ok. Other people don’t need to see it. What matters is that I see it. I work hard, and I am proud.

And you? Are you working on those internal dialogues? Are you unleashing the authentic, true version of yourself? It’s ok if others don’t see it.

What matters is that you see it. You are working hard, and you should be very proud.