2 - Who are you?
(Contains animation link at the bottom)In order to find your purpose, you need to know who you are. Who are you?
I am fascinated by the fairly recent phenomenon in which famous people are trying to “be themselves.” They want to be seen differently, for the true person they are, not the persona that had been previously presented to the public.
I watched a couple of seasons of Masked Singer and many of the celebrities talked about it. Not everyone was insecure, but it was a common theme: I can finally be who I am because I have this mask to hide my identity. Interesting! Because for centuries, people have worn a mask to disguise who they really are, not to explore and enjoy their true selves. But that does make sense. We live in a world that only accepts perfection.
I was constantly putting on a mask, and what I donned depended on who I was with. It was not a fake, conscious choice, at least not once I was an adult. I just became very good at surveying the scene, watching the crowd, and then choosing the appropriate mask that matched. It was a survival of sorts.
We all like the idea of being a rebel. The one person who tears off conventional thinking and spits in the eye of, “This is how we’ve always done it.” It is hard to challenge the norm, and most people go overboard, swinging too far to the other side. Social convention dictates that I appear conservatively dressed and remain calm, therefore I will dye my hair, dress in crazy clothing, and make lots of noise. But is this my true personality, or have I watched others who are like that? I like how this other person appears to not care what others think. I emulate him or her, in every way, dressing and acting the same. Not because that is who I am, but the way I want to appear.
Where is the originality and true freedom of self? I have met people who are so hell-bent on playing a role of uniqueness that they act like everyone else trying to play that role. That is not being an individual at all. It is just as bad to pretend to be “bad to the bone” as it is to pretend to be a “perfect angel.” Both are fake and a waste of energy. Neither will lead you to your purpose and place in this world. They are both time and energy wasters.
Maybe in my quest to revolt against something, I take it unnecessarily far. “I don’t like X, so I’m going to oppose it by doing A, which honestly isn’t me either, but I’m trying to make a point.” What is that point? How about, instead of trying to scream to the world that I am different, I just do me? The real, authentic, majestic being that I was created to be. That would be beautiful!
Who am I? Not who others think I should be, or who I think I should be. Who am I?
So how do I figure out who I am and what my place is, in this world that is inhabited by billions of people?
Have you ever built something big with Legos? I mean, BIG! If you haven’t, Lego is pretty awesome about having bags that are labeled: 1, 2, 3, etc. Obviously, you are supposed to start with bag number one. You could try to start with bag number 3 or 6, but chances are, you will have to stop because you need the section that was supposed to be built with bag number one.
Another interesting thing is that when you start building, you often have no idea what part it is. You build these awesome creations from the inside out, and for a long time it’s confusing. You have no idea where this is going, and you question if you are doing it right. For a moment, or for a very long time, you lose faith that it will all come together. You may even walk away from it for a while, stop working and stop putting forth the effort to create this magnificent piece. Eventually, when you go back or continue working, it all clicks. You see how it is all coming together. You see how this piece will fit into the finished product. You have hope and excitement that all these crazy pieces, and crazy connections are coming together to make a complete set. A beautifully complete product.
That is what it is like to work on myself. I am the masterpiece! But unlike the largest Lego set to date that has 7541 pieces, I am even grander than grandest Lego set ever created. I am not unlike a 50,000- or 100,000-piece set! How cool is that? Until I begin to build my set. Holy cow, that is a lot of pieces!!
My set doesn’t come with specific instructions on how to build me. I have no booklet to tell me exactly what to do, and how to do it. I have no step-by-step guide. My life is not wrapped in clear packages, with large numbers telling me where to start.
I can look around, research how other people built their sets. I can model mine after theirs. That’s ok as a guide, but I need to remember that I am not them and my set should not look like theirs. I can see if anything they did works for me. Maybe I learn that it doesn’t. That’s very important, too! As a person, knowing what doesn’t work is just as valuable to finding my identity as learning what does work.
Figuring out how to build my own set takes time and work. Some people model their pieces after others, and the how-to pamphlet they published. “Here is how to be successful! Put your pieces together like me. It’s easy!” But we don’t have the same pieces. “Attach your 2x2 orange elbow to your technic pieces.” Except my 2x2 elbow isn’t orange, or I don’t have one at all, or I have no technic piece to attach. How annoying! What do I do now? I’ll improvise. When I’m done improvising and constructing my set, it doesn’t look the same as the other person’s set. Maybe it looks similar, but I have lots of leftover pieces. Pieces that my set contains, but there is no place to put them when I build the set like the other person. Do I throw them away? These are valuable parts that the manufacturer of my set felt was important to include. What do I do?
What if I do manage to put the parts together in a way that makes my set look almost identical to another person’s set. Will it operate the same? If people stare long enough, will they notice the differences? Do I really want to look like someone else? My set does not run smoothly, and eventually it breaks. Why? I tried to build it the way the other person’s pamphlet laid it out. Steps 1-5 (“5 Steps to Joyfulness”), Steps 1-10 (“10 Steps to a Healthier, Happier You!”), Steps 1-20 (“How to Organize Your Work and Your Home”), Steps 1-50 (“Everything You Need to do to Attract the Right Person”). Why didn’t it work?
We are all different. I am not you and you are not me. The pamphlets (self-help books) are not your instructions. It is their instruction set. Good for them!
I am unique! I can read those pamphlets for other sets and I might use a couple of suggestions to build my own. A few of the ideas might work, they might not. The point is not to be discouraged or angry that everything doesn’t function the same. It’s not supposed to! They aren’t my instructions. They are the instructions for someone else.
I have said the same thing over and over to drive home a point. We are not supposed to be built the same. But that creates a huge problem. Not many people want to discover their own instructions. It’s hard and it’s time consuming. In an age of instant gratification, instant information access, instant connection to the other side of the world, we don’t want to wait or work for anything. However, in order to have your most fulfilling, joyful and worthy life, you are going to have to work at it and for it. Buckle up!
Ok, complete disclosure. When I said, “Buckle up,” your first mental picture, if you had one, was perhaps of a roller coaster or a car race, or something equally high-speed. If so, let me repaint your imaginary picture.
Look at yourself getting into a car to go on vacation. You have no idea where you are going, and what you need to get there.
Past experience may have taught you that you need skis and winter parkas, because you had a day trip to the mountains to ski last time. You pack that in your car, buckle your seatbelt, and head down the road. You don’t drive fast or wild (hopefully) because you don’t know where you are going yet. You have a gut feeling that you should turn right at the end of the road, but it turns out to be a dead end. You can lament the time wasted, or you can appreciate, now, that that road is a dead end. If you pay attention and learn from that experience, you won’t make that mistake again. But if you do, it isn’t the end of the world. Just try to learn from it this time.
Maybe you are going down the highway and see signs for many miles saying, “Stop and see this site!” Every few miles you see the same sign. Stop in 100 miles. Stop in 80 miles. Only 50 more miles! Get ready, the exit is coming! Get ready, it’s coming! Now, now, now! Exit now! So, you exit. It’s a small stop, and the advertising does not live up to the real thing. Is this what everyone is stopping to see? Is this for me? It’s not. Everyone else is taking this pit stop, but I realize it is not a pit stop for me. I don’t get angry. I don’t try to convince the other travelers that the stop is wrong. Maybe it is their stop! But I recognize this was not meant for me. I get back in my car, go down the highway and continue my journey.
Perhaps my journey is taking me through the desert. Do I need the annoyance of skis strapped to the top of my car? Do I need the parkas taking up valuable real estate in my car? Although it is possible that I could end up in the mountains again, if I chose, is that really what I want? If I have been to the mountains and it was a bad experience, I don’t have to go there again. Just because it is familiar, does not mean it is good. I am on a trip of self-discovery and I want to figure out where I belong. That means analyzing everywhere I have been and deciding if I want to return. I may have enjoyed the mountains as a whole but would prefer to travel to a different mountain. I can do that. I may not have enjoyed the mountains at all and would like to travel through the desert to see if that is where my heart lies. I need to ditch the skis and parkas to make room for the things needed for this trip. Even if I don’t know what those things are yet, I will slowly learn and make room in my car for the experiences and opportunities that present themselves. There are millions of destinations and I need to explore the world to see where I belong.
I’m using a physical analogy to describe a spiritual process of self-discovery. I am not condoning physically walking away from people or responsibilities in your life. I am suggesting that, if you have spent your whole life suppressing who you are, or afraid of revealing who you are, or do not know who you are, maybe you need to hop into your hypothetical car and find that out!
I love describing processes through analogy, but how is it possible in real life? What are some tangible activities to explore?
One of the biggest things to consider when investigating what your personal instructions are, is to ask yourself, “What am I good at doing?” This is often overlooked because while trying to make the list, I compare myself to others who are better than me. I can sing, but I am not as good as Mariah Carey or Pink. Therefore, I keep that talent from my list. I can cook and am actually pretty good at making allergy-friendly, tasty meals, but I’m no Alex Guarnaschelli or Gordon Ramsay. I dismiss that talent. I am a great teacher, but I don’t have a degree or teaching certificate in that field so it must not count.
Wrong!! Write it all down! Eliminate nothing! Talents are gifts and they all count. They all work together to magnify the person you were created to be. Each talent is a piece, or group of pieces, that if set aside, the finished product will not work correctly. You must discover and use all the pieces in your set!
Another deterrent to making a true list of talents is our own calculations of what is profitable or unprofitable. Don’t be blinded, those assumptions of what are good or bad were taught to you. Consider this wild example of a child with an active imagination. She is often found daydreaming, and by doing so forgets her homework and chores. Her parents are exasperated as she is lost in a world of her own making. They constantly pull her out of her fantasies to work in the real world. They fill her days with appropriate activities to ground her in reality. She is miserable and perhaps not even good at the things that society and her parents deem as worthy. Or, maybe she is able to work hard and achieve the desired results. It takes her longer than her peers, and expends all of her energy, to the point she has nothing left at the end of the day to dream. She focuses on “worthwhile” topics and stops creating her imaginary worlds. She manages to have a career in a field she doesn’t like. She is unhappy but doesn’t know why. She has money, perhaps a husband and children, and so life should be good. Her life is perfect to outsiders and, quite honestly, even to herself. Why is she depressed? She learns to pretend everything is ok as she floats through life, day after day, miserable.
Does that story appear farfetched, exaggerated or like a dark fairy tale? Or, perhaps, do you have a similar story?
Do not look at what your parents or teachers or society says is a “good” characteristic. When you are examining your pieces, you need to look at all of them. The basic building blocks that are familiar, count them. The special pieces that are rarer, but recognizable, count them. The weird one that you have no idea what it could possibly do, count it. You may not know what it will accomplish and how it will help, but it is there, and you need to count it!
Just think and dig and unearth all the qualities of you, and only you. You may be talkative like your mom and have a heart for humanity like you dad, but those characteristics combined are what makes you uniquely you. Are you artistic? How? Drawing, painting, sculpting, wood working, something else entirely. Are you creative? How? Stories, interpretive dance, music composition, design? Are you good with numbers? How? Bookkeeper, statistician, financial advisor, banker, actuary. Do you love science? Which aspect? Chemistry, physics, biology? More specifically, do you like plant biology, animal biology, human biology? Even more specific, maybe you are fascinated by the eyes and how they function, and the care of them.
What makes you uniquely you? The more you list, the more you will realize how different you are from everyone else.
You were created on purpose and for a purpose that only you can accomplish. In order to find that purpose, and fulfill that purpose, you need to know what you are working with. What is every single, teeny, tiny, extravagant, mundane, big or small thing that makes you who you are? Are you funny? Do you like to make cartoons? Do you struggle with something? Are you kind, giving or always happy? Do you like to give hugs? Do you always like to keep a 6-foot radius around you, even before the pandemic? Are you a dancer? What kind? Are you a writer? What kind? Are you a good cook? Maybe you don’t want to be a chef or own a restaurant, but you like feeding people. Maybe you like feeding their body and soul.
Who are you? Write it out. Think about it. Add more qualities. Think some more and continue to add.
For some, this exercise will be easy. They know their talents and enjoy sharing them. For others, just getting started will be a strain. But either way, please continue to recognize and add your gifts to your list, for the rest of your life.
I remember when I was asked who I was. I didn’t know. I was a wife, a mother, a friend. But who was I apart from them? Who was I at the core of my being? I didn’t know.
I spent the next several months just thinking. Who was I? What did I like to do? I had no idea! I had to think and dig and remember things I enjoyed as a child. I had to be aware of what I was drawn to. I had to pay attention to things that made me smile.
I can’t express the joy I encountered as I began to peel away the protective barriers to my authentic self! I was fucking awesome!! I had been buried under years of abuse, neglect, and ridicule. I had built walls to protect myself. But no more! The line was drawn. I was ready to fight to be me. And if people didn’t like it, that was fine.
It’s like when I began to recognize all of my food sensitivities. I was angry. Every single food I had eaten while growing up was off limits. All comfort foods were forbidden. All joy surrounding group gatherings was eliminated. I was completely focused on what I could not eat and was depressed. One day, while also exasperated at the situation, my husband innocently asked, “What can you eat?” I thought for a moment and said, “radishes.” We laughed and he told me to think of some meals I could make with radishes.
I have to say, before that conversation, I had probably eaten only 3 radishes in my entire life. Most likely, not even three. Just three bites. The point is not the radishes. The point is the focus.
Before, I was constantly looking at what I couldn’t eat. Lamenting the long-lost flavors these taste buds would never again experience. I needed, instead, to find what I could eat. Put together flavor combinations that I had never experienced.
I would go to the market and buy all types of foods that I had never purchased in the past, along with some things I had eaten, but that had not been a focus of my meals. For dinner, I would look up how to cook things (can you eat it raw, or must it be cooked) and then make (to me) odd combinations. Sometimes it turned out amazing! This prompted me to make my own cookbook, one recipe at a time, with foods I could eat. It didn’t happen overnight. The desire to look happened in the moment I chose to look. The process of finding the meals took time.
How is cooking like unearthing hidden gems in my soul? It is focus. If you focus on finding your talents, you will find them. If you look for the unique, beautiful pieces of your set, you will find them.
Buy a notebook and start making that list!