23 - Voices in my Head

I have two voices in my head that sound alike.

Sure, sometimes what they say is completely obvious. One will tell me to get the dishes done because I’ll feel better once the kitchen is clean. The other tells me I can do it later when I have more energy. The second one is obviously lying because I will never have more energy.

When I started going to therapy, one of the first questions asked of me was whether or not I had voices in my head.

**nervous laugh**

Of course not!

Childhood cartoons taught me that that was normal. An angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other.

My most favorite rendition is from The Emperor’s New Groove, sitting on Kronk’s shoulder:

Angel - You’re not just gonna let him die like that, are you?

Devil - (nodding to the angel) Don’t listen to that guy! He’s trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I’m gonna lead you down the path that ROCKS!

That always makes me laugh.

The problem is that it isn’t always easy to tell the difference. Sometimes my good side tells me to do something that will make me uncomfortable. And my bad side tells me what I want to hear, the thing that I think will make me happy.

Often, it’s hard to distinguish between the voices, if I’m perfectly honest. They’re not black and white, they’re a middle gray area that is confusing.

One of my recent conversations has to do with my next animation.

I don’t like the sound of my voice. Should I redo the audio? Will it make a difference? I sound the way I sound. There isn’t a whole lot to be done about it. Then again, maybe I should watch a video on how to sound better. Does that even exist? Probably! EVERYTHING is on YouTube. I should look…

My drawing style has continued to change. In the two weeks since I started the art for my next animation, I feel things have evolved. Should I go back and redo the first pics I drew? This could start an endless loop of continuing to tweak, and fix, and redraw. Am I the only one who will notice?

The story that I loved so much in the beginning, now seems stilted and unnatural. Did I put things in the wrong order?

Part of me wants to just finish it and move on. Take what I have learned, and make the next one better. The other part of me wants to be proud of what I have made. If it’s not perfect, how can I be happy with it?

In the past (not regarding the website, but just things in general), I would be frozen in indecision. Worried that I would make the wrong choice, I wouldn’t do anything at all. I would stay in this limbo state, just idling, but going nowhere.

It’s absolutely unbelievable how much energy is wasted doing nothing! Those who are decisive have no idea how exhausting it is to just sit and think and argue and mull over and contemplate and debate each option. It really is ridiculous!

I want to yell at myself, “Just make up your damn mind already so we can all move on with our lives!” As if there is a whole team of people waiting for me to decide. In a way, there is.

Wife Me is waiting for me to decide so I can continue being a wife.

Mom Me is waiting for me to decide so I can continue being a mom.

Teacher Me is waiting for me to decide so I can continue being a teacher.

Good Listener Me, Advice Me, Compassionate Me, Empath Me, Funny Me, Chef Me…They’re all waiting for me to pick one so they can continue working.

That’s something I don’t really like about myself. I hyper focus on things. It can be a good thing, but like all superpowers, it can also be the greatest downfall.

Right now, it’s a hindrance.

What to do?

What to do?

What to do?

I think I’m going to decide. Right or wrong, I’m going to just do it! Finish the story, post it, and whether people like it or not, I’m going to move on to the next one.

Learn from the things I did wrong.

Make adjustments for the next time.

Good Lord, have I learned nothing from writing and reading my own words??

Life is not a destination. It is a process. I am constantly making mistakes, hopefully learning from them, and moving on.

The best I can do is what I have right now. God willing, I will continue to get better. But I don’t have to stay stuck until I get there. Wherever this fictitious “there” is. I just have to move.

Keep moving.

Keep doing.

Keep trying.

Keep caring.

Keep working.

One step at a time.