44 - Travelling Tears

I recently returned from a trip and I have a lot of words swirling around my head.

So many things happened, good things and not so good things, that I’m having a hard time making sense and order over everything. There were a lot of tears.

I tend to gravitate towards negative thinking. I’ve done a lot of self-reflection about this annoying habit, and I’m still no closer to an answer. Am I just wired that way?

Sometimes I think it was because I was taught. When I was younger, I used to be anxious and depressed, yes, but also, I would get extremely excited about possibilities. The possibility of winning a prize, the possibility of doing well, the possibility of being chosen.

There were real consequences for my extreme positive outlook. “Everything is going to be GREAT!” But it wasn’t, and I was ill prepared. I was so sure that things would be fantastic, that I wasn’t prepared for the downfall.

As I got older and learned from this, I began prepping for catastrophe.

What could possibly go wrong? Well, let me think of three things. But what happened was different than those three things, so next time I thought of 10. Then 100. Now, it’s all I think about.

Last November, I got a puppy to help me with some of my anxiety. I’ll be honest, she causes a lot. But she has also helped.

For so long, I have been very obsessive compulsive about cleaning the house. When I am relaxed, I don’t mind the little messes. When I am stressed, they bother me beyond reason. I used to vacuum a lot. A lot. A LOT. Constantly. Somehow, a clean carpet meant a clean (straightened) mind.

You see, when it is cluttered, I can’t breathe.

I would get annoyed and start putting things away. When I thought I was finished, I would sit down, only to see something else that needed done. Over and over. Up and down. Until I was exhausted.

I was frustrated by the animal hair that inevitably made drifts around the home. But not just because I saw it as clutter. I saw it as dirty on a whole other level. Were there microscopic germs on the hair? Must get rid of it!

The last few months, I’ve been doing better. I read an article about dogs that said that when they lick your hand, they are actually doing it as a method of calming themselves. After seeing that, I started letting my puppy lick my hands more. And I didn’t freak out. I knew it would help her. And it has helped me.

I also don’t sweep as much. It is no longer a daily activity. I’m getting better.

One weird a-ha moment came recently, when I finally realized what caused all of the hyper-sensitivity.

I was not a germaphobe as a child. Not as a teen. Not as a young adult.

When did it start?

I always assumed it started when my second child was born premature. And then intensified when the twins were born 12 weeks premature. But that time is blurry. I was in survival mode, and didn’t come out of that haze for many, many years.

A conversation with my daughter brought it all into focus. She distinctly remembers what life was like before the twins were born, and after.

To be fair, there were a lot of issues after their birth, even before they could come home. Many, many scares including (but not limited to) one almost dying from RSV (which the hospital said came from me).

When they came home (one still on oxygen), everything had to be CLEAN! If someone wanted to hold them, they had to scrub their arms from the elbows down and wear a clean shirt, or lay a clean blanket on their chest. When they eventually would lay on the ground, the floor had to be vacuumed and a clean blanket was placed. When they could roll, a baby gate “cage” (of sorts) was constantly cleaned and placed around them. As they got older, the entire main floor was constantly swept and cleaned.

It makes sense now.

And that is just one of my strange habits that makes me who I am. A few weeks ago, I didn’t know why I had this panic feeling when the house was untidy. A tightening of the chest. Now I know.

So I’m working on it.

Which leads me back to my trip and another problem I have. Food.

Food is hard for me to find when I am running errands. That is why I don’t eat out much.

Last year, I spent two days at a place with my daughter. Half my suitcase was clothes, the other half was food. I was absolutely stunned that I didn’t need it! Everyone was so helpful and I was even able to get a pina colada in a pineapple! It was the best trip I had ever taken. Bar none.

When I told my husband, he booked a trip for us. For a week. For our anniversary and my 50th birthday. I was elated!!

I packed a few food items, but not much. I didn’t need it. I was just there. Less than a year ago.

But things had changed.

Although the atmosphere was the same, I felt betrayed. My “safe” items were no longer available.

Unless you don’t have it, food isn’t something a person necessarily spends a lot of time thinking about. We may think, “I want pizza for dinner.” Or, we might wonder what we should pick up at the grocery store. But, I believe, for most people, it isn’t a huge drama. It’s more about what we ‘want’ as opposed to what we ‘need.’

I could be completely crazy, making such a generalized statement. So I will say this: that is how I shopped BFA. Before Food Allergy (awareness).

I will say that I used to eat all of the foods I can no longer consume. I was just sick all of the time. ALL of the time. ALL. OF. THE. TIME.

In the world of allergies, there is a distinction between allergy and sensitivity. But most people don’t realize that difference, so I just say “allergy” when I am out. I don’t need an epi-pen, therefore, it is not technically an allergy. My kids have allergies. We carry epi-pens. But mine is a sensitivity.

However, when you say the word sensitivity, people tend to think more along the lines of preference. It is not a preference.

When in-route to my destination, all food options contained something I couldn’t have. I called the airline. Is there a way to ask for an allergy plate? Yes, but you could only pick from a few options: vegetarian, kosher, and some others I don’t remember. At one point I could pick gluten-free or dairy-free, but not both. Which is the lesser evil? And honestly, my worst food intolerances are corn and soy. That isn’t even an option.

I was told I could buy things in the airport and take it on the plane. Have you tried to find food (in any city) that is gluten, corn, soy, and dairy free? It’s hard. Now, multiply that by a thousand. That is the difficulty in an airport.

All I’m saying is that food is a basic necessity. And for me, it is hard to find when travelling.

And travelling is not fun when you are sick most of the time. At least, that’s how I feel.

God, this post is depressing! What do I want to accomplish from this??

Awareness. That’s the word that comes to mind.

And sympathy. People who go on fad diets are choosing a lifestyle. Food allergies (and sensitivities) are not a choice.

The holidays are just around the corner. Maybe show a little compassion for the person who has to pack their own meal. Maybe go out of your way to make something they can have. So they can fit in. Just a little bit.

I will say that this entire ordeal has caused an unlikely feeling to happen. Excitement for Thanksgiving!

I was frustrated while on my vacation. The absolute low was during our anniversary dinner. At the very end, after all of the complicated ordering, and eating a plain meal, the waitress brought a complimentary piece of cake and set it in front of my husband. She said, “I’m sorry, but you can’t have this,” to me. She was nice about it, but it still stung.

My husband, God bless him, was in a panic. He didn’t want it. He knew tears (from me) were imminent.

If it were me working at this resort, I would do something else. Anything else! A cup of fruit with whipped coconut cream on top? Carve a heart out of a slice of pineapple? Arrange a few pieces of fruit in the shape of a heart?

I’m not a chef and I haven’t been trained. I just watch and practice and figure things out. And so, this Thanksgiving..THIS THANKSGIVING is going to be awesome! I’m going to work it out! I’m going to make an amazing feast! I’m going to spoil my family so they know they are worthy of good food!

Words are no longer swirling around my head.

Recipes are. And ideas. In a good way.

I am excited for the holidays! And, God willing, there will be no tears.