42 - Talking in Circles

I’ve been on a sabbatical, of sorts. Although, I wish at the beginning I had realized that was what was happening. Then, I wouldn’t have woken up every day and felt guilty that I wasn’t working. Guilty that all of my energy was poured into appearing normal. So, at the end of the day (or, let’s be honest, around noon), I was exhausted.

I wish I could have shown myself some grace.

But, here we are.

I’m always wanting to help people find their purpose. That’s MY purpose.

It was a hard thing for me to figure out, and is even harder to explain to someone else. That has made me feel like a fraud. Plus, everyone learns in different ways, people have different life experiences, different backgrounds, etc. How to explain it in a way that makes sense to everyone?

THAT, my friends, is what sent me into a spiral.

Piled on top of that was a doctor saying something ridiculous, “I don’t want you to stress out about this, but..” and then proceeded to say something very stressful.

I have been in a dark place.

But the one thing that has kept me going is this: I have a purpose. And it isn’t over yet.

When I was working with the youth, I wanted to talk to them about their purpose and help them try to find it. I was shot down. I was told, “You can’t tell people what their purpose is. All of those books are fake.”

I agreed (enough) with that statement to question my ability to actually help people. For a long time.

I mean, I CAN’T tell you what your purpose is. No matter how close we are, or how well I know you.

But I CAN encourage you to start the journey. I CAN encourage you to ask yourself the hard questions. I CAN encourage you to put in the work, and encourage you to keep going when it gets hard. THAT, I can do. Well, I try to.

It’s a hard thing to explain because it is both the most difficult journey to take, as well as the easiest. I don’t want to peel back the protective layers that I have built up to protect myself. I don’t want to dig into the “why” of my actions. I don’t want to try to understand myself because, like it or not, I have been taught that I am not normal. I should hide who I am, not expose it.

I think it is also difficult because most people (myself included, in the beginning) think that our purpose is wrapped up in what we do. That causes us to ask the wrong questions.

Instead of asking myself what I want to DO with my life, I need to ask myself who I want to BE.

Those two words are very little. Both are only two letters. But, wow! They are completely different!

When I ask myself what I want to do with my life, I am thinking of a career. I am thinking of a job. I am thinking about things that people can see.

Every day we do things that people can see. I drive, I buy, I move. That is seen.

But the real key to finding a life purpose is understanding who I am. Now, that is much harder to see. I think, I mull, I have conversations in my head. None of that is seen.

I am working towards a better life, a better version of myself. And working through my toxic thoughts is part of that.

But one of the hardest things for me to understand and accept is that I am already exactly WHO I am supposed to be. The essence of who I am, is exactly who I am supposed to be. The problem is that I spent so many years trying to cover it up, that I don’t know who that original person is. It’s imperative that I find that original person.

Because the perfect version of myself is who I already am.

(Go back and reread that last sentence!)

Even the imperfect person that I am. The person still covered in layers of protection. THAT person, that imperfect person, that flawed person, that ugly person, is still perfect.

I feel like I’m talking in circles, and I don’t mean to. It’s just this weird understanding that I have finally reached.

I’m not perfect, and I want to be better. But at the same time, I’m also better by merely wanting to be better. And not just wanting to be better, but striving to be better. And even though I fail, miserably sometimes, I am better. And even though some days are just too hard to try to be better, I survived, and so in that, I am better.

I know that didn’t make sense.

If nothing else, just know this: keep moving forward, keep trying, and above all else, keep showing yourself grace. You deserve it!