31 - Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I only just realized. I should really pay attention to these things. Although my website is centered around finding purpose, mental health is an intertwined foundational theme.

I want to write something poetic, something beautiful that eloquently expresses my thoughts. But to be honest, every time I open my computer to write, I just stare at the blank page. Or, if I do write something, I erase it because it seems trite or juvenile.

I want what I say to be impactful, but I don’t want to do that in a way that is harmful to myself. What I share is very personal. Having to live and relive each story as I write, rewrite, edit and edit again can be very difficult.

I want people who are struggling to know that they are not alone. But how do I do that? I care so much but don’t feel equipped help.

I want to carry a banner that says, “Keep Moving Forward! Quitting is not an option!”

I want to break the stigma. And on a good day, I feel like I can. But on bad days, well…I don’t want to talk to anyone. Let alone try to show that having a mental illness is ok.

I struggle. Sometimes it is weekly. Sometimes it is daily. Sometimes the struggle is from one minute to the next. Who am I to try to help someone else?

I think the problem is that I don’t think I am strong enough to help others. Keeping myself in line is a full time occupation, and to be honest I’m not so sure I’m doing a stellar job.

I think what I have to offer is understanding. And maybe (maybe, maybe, maybe) an ability to articulate how hard it is to live this way.

Maybe this is a good explanation:

We are all on a race track. I may have made 20 laps, and you have made 10, but sometimes we are in the exact same spot. We are both rounding a difficult curve. We are both holding on to the steering wheel with white knuckles. We are both gritting our teeth as we try to survive. The only edge I maybe have over you is that I know there is a straight stretch ahead. In case you have forgotten, I will remind you.

If only I can survive this dangerous curve.

I have survived it before. And I will survive it again. As long as I keep driving. I have to hang on, grit my teeth, turn the wheel and punch the gas. Or maybe I take my foot off the accelerator and glide through. I don’t know. But I have to keep going.

And I want to tell you to keep going too.