46 - Lean in

Empaths are emotional beings. My emotions often (usually) dictate what will happen. My faith follows my emotions 

Now, I know that isn't good! But what to do about it?

I think that I usually try to disregard the emotion. If it doesn't exist, then I won't follow it.

But recently I tried a new approach. Instead of trying to remove it (which doesn't work anyways), I leaned into it.

Boy, did that suck!

It was uncomfortable.

It made it worse.

But I leaned in MORE.

That's when I gained control. 

I often talk about how there are things in my life that I prefer to ignore. But instead of going away, that thing just hovers. It hovers in my peripheral. It isn’t in front of me. But it also isn’t hidden. Hold your hand out, straight away from your body. Not in front of you, but to the side. You know where your hand is right now? That’s where things tend to hover. You can’t see it clearly, but you can see it a little bit. THAT is where things hang out that I don’t like. 

There are so many things over there, that when I get stressed, it’s hard to figure out which thing is causing the stress. I’m beginning to think it is all of them.

It’s funny that I am having this realization right now. Let me tell you why: I am a huge advocate for getting to the root of the problem if you want to solve the problem.

• If I have a headache, I don’t want to just take pain medicine. The medicine doesn’t make the pain go away, it just masks it temporarily. If the root of the problem hasn’t worked itself out in 4 to 6 hours, I will need to take more medicine. On and on until the root cause is fixed. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe I overdid it when working out. Maybe I am recovering from surgery. Eventually, when those things pass, I feel better and don’t need the medicine. 

• If my washing machine is squeaking, it isn’t going to magically stop just because I ignore it. It will only stop when I figure out what is causing the noise. And then fix it. Closing the door (so I can’t hear the squeak) does not mean that the machine is fixed.

• If I am dehydrated, I will not feel better just by thinking about it. Thinking about what things will make me feel better. I have to actually drink the water, and continue drinking the water, in order to feel better. 

I could list a million examples of going to the root of the problem in order to fix the problem. But I think you get the idea. 

I am dealing with some pretty significant pain (again) right now. This is a new pain. Something I haven’t felt before. So it is a little tricky.

I have had pain in my left arm (no, I’m not having a heart attack–unless heart attacks can last for 10 months). It was annoying at first, then moved to very painful, which then moved to unbearable. I finally talked to the doctor about it. 

I have pain in my collarbone, and also straight through to my shoulder blade. I have pain in my elbow, and pain going all the way down into my fingers. I thought there was a problem with my shoulder, but Physical Therapy has taught me that the pain is stemming from my neck. 

Which explains why everything I have done for my shoulder isn’t working. The root of my problem is my neck. 

Side note: Getting help for my neck is turning out to be a whole other can of worms, but at least I know where to focus my attention. 

Which brings me back to those mental blocks I have.

I get sick to my stomach a lot and I haven’t been able to control it. I drink tea for stomach ease and anxiety. I take vitamin B and calm (magnesium) gummies. When I was able, I exercised. I do deep breathing. I watch sermons and inspirational tickety tock videos. Nothing worked.

And so, when it happened again (as it always does), I leaned into it. Now let me explain that. 

Usually, on the one side, I try to completely ignore what is going on. Or, on the other side, I dive into the problem and overanalyze what is upsetting me. “Leaning in” is between those two places. Or maybe it is outside of those two places. But just know that it is in a completely different realm.

Instead, I focused on the stomach ache completely. I didn’t try to fix what was causing it or ignore that I had it. I focused on it. 

My stomach hurts. 

I feel nauseous.

Is it just my stomach? At the time it was, so I continued to focus on it. And only my stomach.

It was uncomfortable.

I didn’t like the feeling. But I sat in it and focused on it.

Eventually (but not immediately), the pain subsided. 

I will say that I suffer from valid medical issues that cannot be eliminated by just thinking about them. That isn’t what this is about. I’m talking about valid mental issues that are causing real physical pain.

Nothing else was working. 

So getting back to what I was talking about at the beginning, my emotions tend to lead me. The stomach ache is a result of that. Emotions help me understand what is going on, but they are not good leaders. 

If I am angry, I can’t let that emotion lead the day.

If I am sad, I can’t let that emotion lead the day.

If I am nervous, I can’t let that emotion lead the day.

They are all valid and help me to understand or process what is going on around me. But they can’t be the driver. They would be better riding shotgun.

If you don’t know what that means, let me explain. It is the person that sits in the front of the car, but not behind the wheel. THAT person puts in music the driver wants to hear. THAT person puts the directions into the map and helps the driver navigate. THAT person keeps the driver alert and aware of dangers on long trips. It’s a pretty important job.

• THAT person puts in music the driver wants to hear. 

  When I listen to music, sometimes I put in tunes to match my mood. But usually, I pick music to match the mood I want to be in. I am not going to let my emotions dictate my mood. I am going to tell my emotions what mood I want to be in. I need to remember that I am driving and therefore, I get to decide the mood.

• THAT person puts the directions into the map and helps the driver navigate. 

  I am sometimes put into positions that I do not want to be in. It sucks! I don’t want to be there! But again, I can’t let my emotions drive my life. They are there to help but not dictate the path. 

• THAT person keeps the driver alert and aware of dangers on long trips. 

  I am an emotional person for a reason. Do I like it? No. Do I wish I wasn’t this way? Often. Would I change it? No. There is a special sense that comes from having so much empathy and emotional energy. It really is a gift, I just need to keep it in check.

• It’s a pretty important job.

  Emotions are important and help me drive my life. But they can’t actually be behind the wheel.

I really have been implementing this “leaning in” thing I’m talking about. And I’m surprised by the results, honestly. 

By leaning in, and focusing on what is going on at the present moment (good or bad), it’s making my life better. I’m not wrapped up in the past, or worried about the future. I am right here, right now. 

I was able to celebrate and enjoy a birthday party. I was able to pinpoint pain. I was able to acknowledge and celebrate blessings. I was able to accept a bad report. 

Everything is intertwined and nothing is more important except what is happening at this exact moment. 

When I think about and get annoyed by the past, I am robbing myself of present joy.

When I think about and worry about the future, I am robbing myself of present peace.

Whenever I catch myself running off in the wrong direction (either behind me to the past, or in front of me to the future), I bring myself back to the present. No matter what I am doing.

I stop and hear the sounds around me. Is the wind blowing? Is the dog sniffing? Is a fan running? Are people talking? What do I hear?

I stop and feel what is touching my skin. Either a wooden chair or a soft couch. What is cradling my arse? Can I feel my clothes against my skin? Do I feel the steering wheel in my hands? Are my shoes pinching? What do I feel?

I stop and really see what is in front of me. Is it the neighborhood I usually ignore while driving through? Do I see people walking, dogs playing? Do I see a beautiful mountain, covered in snow? What do I see?

The shower is the hardest place for me to be present. I want to concentrate on water hitting my face. Instead, without even realizing I'm doing it, I'm winning an imaginary argument. Or writing like Henry David Thoreau. Life is perfect in the shower! Why would I want to remove myself from that perfect world?

But pulling myself out of my blind, careless life has been very exhilarating for me! I didn’t realize how much I did while on an “autopilot” of sorts. I just rushed through everything, trying to get to a better place, a happier me. But I wasted so much of my life just blowing past everything, never stopping to enjoy the individual moments.

I think it’s because I didn’t want to stop and acknowledge the hard times. And I got so accustomed to ignoring them, that when great things happened, I didn’t know how to stop and enjoy them. I didn’t practice presence. Because I didn’t usually want to be present in my current present time.

It was hard.

It was exhausting.

It wasn’t guaranteed.

So I ignored it. 

And now? I am finally learning how to accept where I am and enjoy it. I’m not an expert, by any stretch of the imagination! But I’m trying. And I like it. 

I’m a little more relaxed.

I’m a little more joyful.

And I’m certainly happier!

Do I still get distracted? Yes.

Do I still get annoyed? Yes.

Do I still feel pain? Unfortunately, yes. But it’s much more bearable. I don’t know why, but it is. 

What do I want to accomplish in this story? I don’t know. I think I just want to share this really cool thing that I just figured out! Like I always say, I wish I could get to the mountaintop and tell you how to get there. But I can’t. Not only do you have to find your own path, neither one of us is actually going to get to the top. 

But, my God, is the climb worth it!

Keep climbing!