39 - A Shopping Story

I forgot to take my blood pressure medicine, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. 

My story, while true, takes its first line from, A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. Well, I modified the first line from that story. But what happened next was just as magical.

As a side note, I absolutely love A Christmas Carol and all of the different versions of its telling. I watch it every year. I watch many versions of it every year. It is one of my most favorite Christmas stories. 

I would say that the Muppets version is at the top, as well as the one with Captain Jean-Luc Picard (the great Patrick Stewart!) as Scrooge. This year I watched a BBC version (very dark) and also Spirited with Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynolds.

The last two really spoke to me, as they centered their stories (although one was very depressing and one was very silly) around a common theme: one night will not completely change a person. 

It takes time. And consistency. And effort. You can wake up one morning (January 1, for example) and say that this year will be different. But a day on the calendar (or a bad dream) will not actually change the year. YOU change the year by working hard each day, each hour, each moment to make it a better year.

And there will be some things that cannot be changed. Some errors cannot be undone. But you make the time and put in the work to make the future different. 

Just like my other favorite, favorite story around Christmas: The Grinch. 

These stories often gloss over the reason a person is considered bad. “Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason” (Seuss). Some retellings try to give more of a background. I like those. WHY did he hate Christmas? WHY was he so angry? WHY did he live alone on a mountain?

Sometimes people like to be alone. I get that. But WHY did the Grinch destroy Christmas for everyone? Well, he TRIED. Why didn’t he just get some really good ear plugs? There’s more to the story. There’s ALWAYS more to the story. Which is what I am trying to understand and accept. 

So back to my story…

I forgot to take my blood pressure medicine, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. If you do not remember that important piece of information, the story which follows will not hold great significance!

I had to go to grocery stores (plural) because there was not one store currently in existence that sold everything that I needed. It's annoying, but that's my life. I really hate leaving and so it takes a lot of effort to get myself out of the house. It's not like I'm high maintenance and it takes a lot of effort to get ready. I just really don't like to leave. I realize that I'm on the verge of becoming like a recluse or agoraphobic or whatever that is where you don't want to leave your house, and I know that's not a joking matter and it's not something to make fun of and I'm not making fun of it. I'm being honest. 

I hate going places! Even if it is someplace fun, and I want to go. I get severe anxiety even thinking about having to leave the house, so I try to leave early. But that day I had to wait for a reason. There was a reason, and so I was just waiting around my house until a certain time to leave. 

So we go. My son is off of work, so we do our errands together, which really just consists of going to several different grocery stores. 

I go to the first store which happens to be on the base, and as I'm leaving I notice an older guy getting into his car at the same time. No big deal. 

I get in my car and I very carefully pull out. People whip in and out of the parking lot, and there are always people walking, so I’m super careful. 

I'm talking to my son and there's nobody around. But as I'm pulling out onto the main road, as soon as I pull out I noticed there's this car right on my butt. And I can see the guy’s face and it’s the same person that was in the parking lot. He’s right behind me, right behind me, right behind me. I can see the white of his eyes. But we’re on base and it's 30 mph. I'm not going to speed on base! But then the limit goes up to 40 mph and I speed up. But he doesn’t. All the way down the hill he gets farther and farther away because he’s going so slow. And he’s got a line of cars behind him. Because he’s going so slow!

Next, I pull left on the next main road that goes in front of the football field. I set my cruise control to 45. Again, I don’t like to speed on base. Obvious reasons. 

My son and I are talking and I don’t see the guy behind me. He must’ve gone the other way, or was still going slow. WHATEVER. I didn’t worry about it.

Until I turned right on the next main road. The one that leads out of the base. 

The guy speeds up behind me and then whips around to pass. Like, as I’m trying to merge onto the last road, he whips around me. 

Ok. Is this guy in a hurry now? 

Well, as soon as you turn on that road, the speed limit slowly goes down. So that when you exit, you’re going super slow. 

The guy gets right next to me, then SLAMS on his brakes (it’s not that big of a speed change), and lays on his horn. 

There’s no one else around except for us. So I’m left wondering, “WTF?” 

My usual thought process is to go through the last 5-10 minutes. Did I do anything wrong? Did I inadvertently cause any issues? Then, I go back 30 minutes. Did I cut him off in the grocery store? Did I take the last item of something he wanted? I honestly didn’t know.

My next thought process is to fear for my safety. Whether or not I did something wrong, this guy is PISSED at me! Will he follow me to the next store? Will he confront me there?

Those are not unfounded fears. I have had someone mad at me, follow me to a store, and then harass me in the parking lot. 

And although my son was with me, and I feel absolutely safe and protected with him, you never know about another person’s crazy. 

As I contemplated what to do, the guy jerked into the lane that took him to the highway. Away from me. We were good.

I told my son about how, if he wasn’t with me, I would skip the rest of my errands and go home. How, if the guy hadn’t gotten onto the highway, I would have driven around in random, sure that he wasn’t following me, and if he was, how I would have gone to a fire station or police station. My boys are used to these discussions. About how frightening it can be as a woman. That I am capable of taking care of myself, but that there are a lot of things out in the world that scare me. 

That’s why I don’t like to leave the house.

But here’s the really cool thing that happened. I didn’t get freaked out. I didn’t panic. My heart didn’t race. I calmly talked about what had happened and how I felt. And then I went to the next store and completely forgot about it.

I FORGOT ABOUT IT!!

Do you realize how HUGE that is??

I can logically know that people are upset about things that have nothing to do with me. I can logically know that I’m doing my best, but I did something “wrong.” I can logically know (and this just occurred to me) that the guy wasn’t even honking at me. His phone may have slid under his feet when he whipped around me, and he tried to pick it up. And accidentally laid on the horn. 

Even knowing those very logical things, I usually get upset. And relive it. And use it as an excuse not to do stuff in the future. 

But I didn’t. 

How?

I’ve been trying for years to calm myself down. YEARS!

What clicked?

Actually, and I think this goes back to my love of The Christmas Carol and The Grinch, it didn’t click. It’s been a slow, steady progress of moving towards what I want. The “I don’t give a fox” cards, the slow and steady breathing, the interruption of bad thought trains, the positive self-encouragement, the mindfulness. All of that!

I've always thought that there isn't one thing that makes you bad and just one night, although terrifying, cannot make you good. Something can happen which scares you and makes you behave better for a while but it never lasts unless you truly want to change. 

Even then it's hard. 

Even if you want to change it takes a lot of work. It's day in and day out putting in the effort, and I've always said that it's like exercising. You don't work out one time and magically become healthier. It takes going to the gym or going on a walk or putting in the effort every single day in order to have a fit body. That's why diets usually don't work. They may last for a day or two or a week but if you go from eating pizza and Twinkies everyday to eating salads and water it's not going to work. You have to start by going from eating an entire pizza to maybe eating 3/4 of pizza, and then from there to half of a pizza. If you're still hungry, next time you eat a salad first and then eat pizza. That becomes your new routine. Eventually you just have a salad and one piece of pizza. True and long lasting change comes from slight changes, but consistently, so that over a long period of time it's dramatic. The daily change is little. But that's what makes it last.

I want to wake up on Christmas morning and be a completely changed person. I do! And I did! But the only way I have gotten to this place of calm is by working for it. Slowly. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. And year after year. 

It’s slow, but when I look back, it’s incredible to see how far I have come!

And you can do it too. Start the day off on the right foot. And hit ‘reset’ on the day when you need to. 

Even if you forget to take your blood pressure medicine.